Friday, February 17, 2006

Note to Self

Stick to the plan. Don't be gullible. Don't be persuaded by empty promises. Have a clear goal in mind. Carry through. Stick to the fucking plan.

It was supposed to be simple. Call up the credit card company, close the line of credit. After all, you have two other major credit cards (the only two that matter), who needs a third? Sure, you're carrying balances on those cards, but it's a low, fixed APR for the life of the balance. And the new purchase APR is also fixed, and quite low compared to what some people pay (especially those with bad credit, poor bastards). Call up, close the credit line.

But wait. I can't do that, sir, I have to transfer you to an account manager.

Translation: I need to transfer you to our pressure people who are only paid because they can convince people to stay.

Dammit. All I wanted to do was close the fucking credit line. So let's do it. But wait.

Are you carrying balances on other cards? Is it a lot of money? I can do a balance transfer for you. I can give you a great APR. Not good enough? How's 0% sound? We have to lock it in now. Oh, your existing credit line isn't big enough for the whole balance, but we can increase it. Too bad the system that does that is down for the night. How about we transfer part of it, request the increase tomorrow, and then transfer the rest?

Oh, great! I suppose that would work. I wouldn't be getting rid of a card I didn't need and don't use, ever, but I'd be saving money, and would have one less bill to pay every month. Go ahead and do it.

Thank you, sir, check back tomorrow for the credit line increase.

I check back the next day.

Ok, we'll just go through this application for a credit line increase, submit it, and have the results in 24 hours. Call back tomorrow.

I call back tonight.

I'm sorry, sir, it looks like the request was denied. But you have until April 25 to transfer balances at that low 0% rate.

FUCK! What the fuck happened to: We'll increase the credit line and get the rest of your balance transferred over? What happened to: If you submit the full application, we'll do a credit check and get your line increased? Did you check my credit? I doubt it, cause if you had, you'd have found out I've got a credit score of 822. My credit report is fucking rock solid, so you obviously didn't look at it. I haven't missed a goddamn payment on any fucking card in over 4 years. Four years. I've held your worthless card for 4 years, and haven't even used it in the past 2. Who the fuck are you to deny anything that I ask for?

We're glad you decided to stay with us, sir, we're actually one of the harder cards to get approved for.

Oh, really? So fucking what? I wipe my ass with your holier-than-thou attitude. I don't need your bullshit. As soon as one of my other, low-brow cards offers me a good rate on a balance transfer, you can go suck it. Then I'm cancelling your card, and will not be persuaded otherwise. Good day, sir.

EDIT: After not much thought, I decided to call up one of my less-cultured credit card companies and see what sort of balance transfer rate they'd offer me. What do you know? They'll do a 2% APR for life, with no credit line increase necessary, and no other catches, clauses, or hidden bullshit. You know what 2% APR is? That's jack shit, and close enough to 0 for me. Fuck you, you credit card snob assholes. I'm getting my balance back on the card that actually gives a shit about me, the customer, and not solely about their bottom line.

EDIT2: I had another line of credit (a simple charge account) that I wanted to close, so I called up their customer service line. Went through the IVR system, and got to: If you would like to close your account, press 1. I pressed 1. You have requested to close your account. To continue, press 1. I pressed 1. Your account has been closed. For written confirmation that your account has been closed, press 7. I pressed 7. Your confirmation letter will be sent within 7 days. Thank you, goodbye. Wam, bam, thank you, ma'am. How fucking hard is that? Jesus Christ, you don't have to make people jump through fucking hoops, and pressure them into balance transfers when they want to close their accounts, because you're just going to piss them off.

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