King Kong

I rented King Kong...wait, sorry, I rented Peter Jackson's King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie a few days ago, and just completed it. I didn't really need to complete it to give impressions, but it was so damn short I figured I might as well.

First off, that name. What the hell? I've said it before, but how's about you tone down that hubris, Mr. Jackson? So you won an Academy Award for some dumb-ass movies about a ring that no one outside of geekdom gives a flying fuck about. Lahdi-freakin-dah.

Second, the game's called King Kong (sort of), so why are there only like 5 levels (out of 30 something) devoted to Kong? I haven't seen the film, but I'm betting only about 45 minutes to an hour of the whole 3 and a half hour wankfest is devoted to Kong, even though he's the goddamn title of the movie.

Third, while I can see what they were going for, the whole cinematic experience doesn't really work in a game when you forget the gameplay. Here's the way the Jack levels go: walk through some tunnels, find a spear, light it on fire, burn down some bushes, find a stick thing in order to put it in a post so you can open a door, shoot some enemies, wash, rinse, repeat. All the while some guy, a chick, some punk ass kid, and Jack Black are yelling at you to save them while a giant insect/flying thing/dinosaur tries to eat them. Color me unimpressed.

Let me break it down.

Things that are good:
Jack Black. You really can't dislike Jack Black. Unless he's yelling at you to save him because his leg is being gnawed on by a dinosaur.

Kong. Kong rocks, and I really wish the whole game were about him. Who doesn't like swinging through the forest, running on walls, swatting villagers aside, and snapping dinosaur's necks?

Level design/graphics. This game looks really good, and certain levels look amazing.

A game that feels kinda like a movie. This is good, but not when they forget the gameplay that keeps you interested. Which brings me to...

Things that are bad:
The Jack levels. What a fucking grind. Lighting shit on fire, finding sticks to put in posts that open doors and shit is not inspired gameplay. Hell, it's hardly even gameplay, it's just busy work. I don't like my games to be busy work.

Level design/graphics. I know, I listed this under the good stuff, but it's also bad. For being on the 360, certain things don't look all that great. Some of the textures are bland and overused, the first person weapons look like ass, and some of the levels are boring and cookie cutter. I don't ever want to see tunnels in any first person game ever again. Let me explore the world, assholes, don't confine me to your shitty tunnels.

Length. I'm torn on the length. While I don't think I could sit through more Jack levels, it was also over way too quickly. I'm real glad I didn't drop 60 bucks on this game, since there's absolutely no replay value, either. Any "extras" that might tempt you to replay the game just to see them can be unlocked with a simple code.

A game that doesn't feel like a game. By going the cinematic route, the devs had something that could have been great, but when they forgot they were working on a game, they ended up with a surefire rental (and not even that if the prospect of being Kong doesn't interest you).

Final verdict: Rent it if you have about 6-8 hours to kill and don't mind the skull-crushing agony of suffering through the Jack levels to get to that sweet, giant monkey action. Otherwise, stay away. Run the opposite direction, even.