The Hobbit

I was going to do a quickie review for this movie, but it's so bad I have to go into detail.

First of all, I read the book in high school, but I don't remember it being like that. The plot was of course similar, and there were certain events that I recall. But the quality was sub-par at best, and absolute shit at worst. Maybe the book was that bad, and I just don't remember because I didn't know what the fuck was good when I was 17. That's probably it. I'll go through it point by point, since I took notes while I watched. I wanted to make sure I could write about it later, just in case I blocked it out of my memory.

It was animated, which would have been fine if the animation was actually good. It wasn't.

The folksy bullshit music was god-awful. The lyrics described shit that was happening, and badly at that. Absolutely terrible; words can't communicate how bad the music was.

Whenever someone or something died, there was a ridiculous spinning animation, and then they disappeared. Apparently that's a less violent way of handling death, but it's a really fucking stupid way of handling death.

Early on, Gandalf showed Bilbo and the dwarves a map, and Bilbo reasoned it was showing a secret entrance. Gandalf blathered something about "knowing it when they knew," and reiterating that it was a secret. Then he handed the head dwarf a key. "Here's the key to the secret door." What the fuck?

The creators had a hard-on for magical swords. Elrond made a big fucking deal about "Orcrist the Goblin-Cleaver" and "Glamdring the Foe-Hammer." Later on, they ran into a group of goblins, who also had to make a big deal over them. "Oh no, that's Glamdring, the Foe-Hammer!" And Bilbo had to make a big fucking deal over naming his pussy dagger "Sting." Who gives a shit, seriously?

Gollum was even more annoying than in the live action films. I didn't think that was possible.

Smaug the dragon had spotlight eyes. His eyes shone big damn lights, like flashlight beams. I wish I was joking.

The king of the Wood Elves sounded like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Again, I wish I was joking.

Talking animals. I know, suspension of disbelief, especially when we're dealing with goblins and trolls and shit, but it's not a fucking Disney movie. Disney movies are good.

I'm not sure if it was intended for television originally, but it seemed like there were clearly defined spots for commercial breaks. That was jarring.

"Bilbo Baggins, that is enough." Jesus H. Christ, what a flaming piece of shit that was. I almost turned it off. More than once, I stared at the screen slack-jawed. I smacked my forehead a couple of times in frustration. Even if you consider yourself a glutton for punishment, stay away from The Hobbit.

Finally, I usually try to be fair in my reviews, and even though this turd doesn't deserve it, there was one good thing about it. At 1 hour and 17 minutes, at least it was over quickly. Unlike Tolkien's self-important books and the self-important live-action movies based on them that take days to get through, The Hobbit ended before I began to seriously contemplate bashing my head against the corner of my desk.