Saturday, July 29, 2006

Weekend Movie Reviews

First up, a couple of flicks I caught one more time this weekend because I liked them so much.

Clerks 2. If you haven't seen it, stop reading, call some friends, and go. I'll wait.

Ok, good. Wasn't that hilarious? I tried to get a bunch of friends together to go see it this weekend, but almost everybody flaked out. Bitches. One thing I noticed on a second viewing is how good Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson are. I don't know why they haven't done more films, other than bit parts and whatnot in Kevin Smith's flicks.

Superman Returns. I had a couple of free passes, so I figured I might as well see it again before it slips out of theatres. Plus, the first time I saw it was in about the third row at an IMAX, so it was nice to see it at a comfortable distance. I don't know why it didn't make more of an impact at the box office than it did. Sure, Pirates 2 came out the very next weekend, but I don't understand why it made such a huge impact, since Superman was the better film all around (and I'm not saying that just because I'm a Supes fan, I really liked the first Pirates film). One thing that stood out more the second time around was the Christ allegory. "The world needs a savior," Supes falling back to Earth, prostrated in the sign of the cross. Thanks for that, Mr. Singer, but keep your religion out of my comic book movie.

On a side note, there was a trailer before the movie with some bullshit text flashing up, like, "One family...One child...Who would change the world...Forever." And then it hits you with, "The Nativity Story." At that point, I leaned over to Justin and said just loudly enough for him to hear (or so I thought), "What the fuck?" Mere seconds later, some bitch a few seats over and a row down said, "Hey, buddy, back there? Can we control the reflexes?" Justin's not convinced she was talking to me (she proceeded to be a loudmouthed bitch through the rest of the movie, spouting nonsense to the people she was with), but I am. And that pisses me off.

First off, if you take offense at language, you just need to shut the fuck up. Don't give me your holier-than-thou bullshit, and insult my intelligence because I use "bad" words. I say whatever the hell I want, when I want, and if you don't like it, that's too damn bad. It's called the First Amendment, asshole. Besides, I don't think that was her problem, since she and her dumbass friends dropped a couple of f-bombs during the movie.

So what she took offense at was my visceral reaction to "The Nativity Story." I don't want or need your religion in my movies, alright? I hate trailers anyway (there's a reason they're called trailers, they used to follow the movie, not preceed it), so excuse me for taking issue with a trailer for a pointless film that I was forced to watch. You want to believe in God and thank Jesus for being your savior and read your bible, fine. I got no problem with that. But get your fucking bullshit out of my entertainment! I don't want your Passion, I don't want your Nativity, I don't want your God is Great and Anyone who Disagrees is a Worthless, Sub-Human Heathen. Fuck you.

Now that that's out of the way, we come to the DVDs that I rented.

The Villain, rated PG, starring Kirk Douglas, Ann-Margret and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Got this at the recommendation of my Dad, who's usually pretty solid with his recommendations. However, I honestly don't know what he was thinking. It's a western, but is filled with slapstick comedy. I know what you're thinking: Blazing Saddles. But The Villain is less like Blazing Saddles and more like a live-action Road Runner cartoon. There must have been at least a dozen gags with Kirk Douglas' Cactus Jack (the Wile E. character) trying and failing to trap the other two leads with a scheme right out of the Looney Tunes. As bad as it sounds, it's even worse on film. What a piece of shit. Oh, and 27 years later, Arnold still has the exact same accent.

The Pink Panther, rated PG, starring Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Jean Reno, and Beyonce Knowles. Sir, I watched The Pink Panther, I liked the Pink Panther, The Pink Panther was a favorite of mine. Sir, you are no Pink Panther. Famous quote paraphrasing aside, this movie sucked. Steve Martin apparently co-wrote the screenplay, but the other guy must have been in charge of the jokes. There were only a few genuine laughs in the whole hour and a half, and if I'd seen this at a theatre, I would have demanded my money back. Peter Sellers played Clouseau with more subtlety than this. He's a bumbling detective, not a fucking moron. Kevin Kline was forgettable, Jean Reno is better than this (he was fucking Leon, for chrissakes), and I have no idea what purpose Beyonce served, other than being a cocktease. Seriously, she needs to pose for Playboy or something.

Old School, unrated edition, starring Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell, and Vince Vaughn. Rented this on the recommendation of a co-worker. Finally, a good movie. Funny as hell. Nothing much else to say, except that it gets a thumbs-up from me. Word has it they're doing a sequel, although I'm not sure why.

Until next time, the balcony is closed, fuckers. Nooch!

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