An Open Letter to Firefly Fans

Dear Firefly fans,

Fuck you. Fuck you in your stupid asses.

Allow me to explain my vitriol towards you worthless bunch of degenerates. I, myself, am a Firefly fan. While I didn't catch the series during the short time it was on the air, I did check it out on DVD at the urging of a friend. I fell in love with the series, and purchased the DVD set a few weeks later. That was about a year and a half ago.

So when I found out that there was going to be a Firefly movie called Serenity, I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait for it. When I heard about it, the release date was set for April of 2005. What a fantastic birthday present that was! I was extremely disappointed when it was pushed back to September, but I waited ever so patiently.

On opening day, Sept. 30, I got off work, ate, and went to the theatre to buy my ticket. There was a large line, and I seriously hoped everyone in the line was there to see Serenity. Unfortunately, they weren't, and the theatre was less than packed. Still, my experience in that theatre was totally unique. The movie was amazing, the audience participation was great, the acting was fantastic, it was just awesome. I couldn't wait to see it again.

What's more, is that I knew, I just knew, Serenity was going to take that opening weekend. It would be #1 at the box office for that weekend, out of all the other movies that were playing. It had to be, since I felt it was better than Episode III (and I thought Episode III had been the best movie of the year).

I wanted to hit someone when the report came out. Flightplan was #1? Some bullshit about Jodie Foster's kid on a plane made more money than Serenity? Ok, Serenity was #2, but it only pulled in a measly $10 million? The DVD sold half a million copies at roughly $40 a piece, to say nothing of how many times those DVDs have been rented at Blockbuster or loaned to friends, or how many people have downloaded the episodes off the internet. So of all the people who've been exposed to Firefly, only a million of them could be bothered to buy a ticket?

Everybody and their grandma saw Star Wars, simply because it's fucking Star Wars. But where were the Firefly fans? Why weren't they telling their friends to see Serenity, because it's fucking Serenity? I know I did. Where was the word of mouth? Joss depended on you to spread the word, and get people to go see Serenity, because the marketing campaign wasn't nearly enough. When there's a property that no one's heard of because the fan base is so limited, it is the fans' responsibility to make people hear about it. Sure, you ranted and raved about it on your cliquey little sci-fi web-boards, but does that shit ever get out to the mainstream? Hell no, you're preaching to the choir, dipshits.

Clearly, you dropped the ball. Serenity only opened in 2000 theatres (which is a hamstringing right from the start, Flightplan got 3400), and now, in only it's third week of release, my local theatre cut it down to 2 showtimes. And how did Serenity fare last weekend, after opening with $10 mil at #2? It slipped to #8 with only $5 mil additional, bringing the grand total to 18. 18 million dollars is fucking pathetic for an awesome flick like Serenity when shit like Just Like Heaven pulls 43, Flightplan gets 60, and The Exorcism of Emily Rose rakes in 72. I bet The Fog will make a mint, too, even though the film it's printed on isn't worth wiping my ass with.

So fuck you, Firefly fans. If it's anyone's fault Serenity doesn't do well, it's yours. The responsibility was on your shoulders to make Firefly live again, and you failed. Miserably. Congratulations on killing a great series. I hope you're proud of yourselves.