Just Win, Baby

Time for some impressions on a game I picked up today with a gift card.

Blitz: The League for Xbox is the first time in about four years I've actually had fun playing a football video game. Blasphemy among gamers, I know, as Madden is the best of the best. But I just haven't seen it from Madden recently. The last Madden game I played for more than a half hour was the 2002 offering for Gamecube, and even that was a far cry from the best of the best (for the record, Super Tecmo Bowl for the NES is the best pure football game ever, with Joe Montana Sports Talk Football for the Genesis a very close second).

I've only played two complete games in B:TL, so let me run down some of the things I've noticed so far.

Calling and running plays is quick, easy, and painless. Select a formation, scroll through the available plays, pick one, and get ready for the snap. Simple, intuitive controls on both sides of the ball = no broken plays because you accidentally called an audible. Did I mention there are no audibles? You pick a play and you run it. Done.

Custom teams that I can have fun creating without spending a month of Sunday's. Pick your location, team name, logo, and colors, then hire coaching staff (head coach, offensive and defensive coordinator) and one star player each on offense and defense, and you're in the game.

Football. Seems so simple, doesn't it? Too bad modern football games have become more like coaching simulators than fucking football games. I want to get my team on the field, throw the long ball, break some tackles, and bust some heads. Is that so hard?

Hard hits are so much more fun in this game than other football games. Lay down a particularly nasty slam on the ball carrier, and you'll get a nice cutaway shot of the guy's bones breaking or cartilage snapping. And since we're not dealing with the NFL here, your trainers can treat the injury, or "juice" the player up to get him back in the game. Sweet. Get the opposing team all riled up with a succession of dirty hits, and you'll spark a full on brawl, where you can cause some serious damage. It's like hockey without all the Canadians!

Like I said, I've only played two complete games, so these opinions are subject to change. But I'm having way too damn much fun laying the smackdown.

Oh, and I mentioned earlier about the best pure football game ever. What's the best arcade style football game ever? Mutant League Football for the Genesis. B:TL reminds me so much of Mutant League it makes me giddy.

Mid-Season Roundup

We're halfway through this year's broadcast television season, and I feel like running through the shows that I started watching at the beginning of this season, and those that I'm no longer watching (mostly because they were cancelled).

Monday night:

How I Met Your Mother, 7:30 pm, CBS - Despite my early prediction that this show would get a quick axe (it really doesn't strike me as the type of show the over-50 set would watch, which is what CBS's audience is primarily made of), it's been picked up for a full season. Thumbs up.

Arrested Development, 8:00 pm, FOX - I jumped on this show's bandwagon very late. The previews always made it look like shit, but once I actually watched an episode, I was a convert. Of course, I got to watch about 3 episodes before FOX cancelled it. Great job, FOX. Thumbs up for the show, thumbs down for the decision to can it.

Kitchen Confidential, 8:30 pm, FOX - Ok, call me a fan boy if you will, but the only reason I checked out this show is because it co-starred Nic Brendon (of Buffy: TVS fame). But it was actually not a bad show. It didn't get the ratings, however, and that doesn't sit well with FOX executives, who axed it. Thumbs down, FOX.

Prison Break, 9:00 pm, FOX - Yet another innovative show on the FOX network, and this time, the people watched, so it was picked up for a full season. However, in their infinite wisdom, they've decided to put it on "winter hiatus" until late March. Jesus Christ, I don't know how many viewers are going to return after 3 months with no new episodes, but if FOX cancels it because of poor ratings, heads are going to fucking roll. Thumbs up for the show, and a sideways thumb for FOX's handling.

Tuesday night:

Bones, 8:00 pm, FOX - I've called it the best crime drama I've ever seen. FOX picked it up for a full season, but is proceeding to throw it under a bus later this month, when it moves to Wednesdays at 9:00 pm, up against two sophomore behemoths, Lost and Veronica Mars. Look for it to be cancelled 3 weeks later for poor ratings. Middle finger up, FOX.

My Name Is Earl, 9:00 pm, NBC - The best new comedy on TV, and perhaps the best comedy of the year. NBC is moving it to Thursday's this week as part of the new "Must See" Thursday comedy lineup. This would have upset me, as it would have fucked up my viewing schedule for Thursday nights, if it weren't for another boneheaded decision by FOX (you'll see below). Two big thumbs up for Jason Lee.

The Office, 9:30 pm, NBC - Last year's best new comedy, and the second best comedy of the year, in my opinion. This one's moving along with Earl to Thursday. Thumbs up.

Supernatural, 9:00 pm, WB - Interesting new show that I was taping until I discovered it replayed on Sunday nights. I'm pretty sure this has been picked up for a full season, no doubt because of adolescent girls getting wet over Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. Thumbs up.

Wednesday night:

Lost, 9:00 pm, ABC - I discovered this show on DVD. As with AD, the only reason I wasn't converted earlier is because the previews made it look like shit. Great show, but the best drama on TV title belongs to the next show on this list.

Veronica Mars, 9:00 pm, UPN - Holy fucking shit. Why was I not told about this show earlier? I discovered it on DVD, and then devoured reruns to get caught up to date. I can't wait until the 18th, when I actually get to watch a brand new episode for the first time on TV. Two thumbs up.

Head Cases, 9:00 pm, FOX - Seriously, why do I even start watching shows on FOX? They're just going to get cancelled, like this one did, after 2 episodes. That's right, 2 episodes. Why even bother, FOX?

Invasion, 10:00 pm, ABC - This is what's called a "Lost clone." It's also what's called a lousy TV show. Lost grabbed me during the first episode. This piece of shit dragged on and made me question why I was wasting my time. I actually watched the entire first episode, and didn't bother after that.

Thursday night:

Smallville, 8:00 pm, WB - Yet another show I discovered on DVD, and devoured the first four seasons over the summer to get ready for the new season. I'm so glad I did, because none other than James Marsters guest starred as Brainiac. Plus, it's Superman. Who doesn't like Supes?

Reunion, 9:00 pm, FOX - The story of six friends from high school, one of whom was recently murdered mysteriously. We're taken back 20 years to graduation day, and told the story in flashbacks, covering one year in each episode. But we're never going to solve the mystery, because it's been cancelled. Why, oh why, did the producers pitch it to FOX? I was looking forward to finding out who killed Samantha. Now we know FOX did. Fuck you, FOX. Fuck you in your stupid asses.

Friday night:

Threshold, 9:00 pm, CBS - I think this is another one of those Lost clones. It's also another one of those shitty TV shows. I watched the first episode, which was sort of interesting, but I just don't have time to watch TV on Friday night. And from what I've heard, the show went on to have all sorts of stupid pseudo-science and just plain non-science, brain bugs, and Treknobabble (what else would you expect from Brannon Braga?). And now it's cancelled. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

So there you have it. Four months ago, I was watching six shows on FOX. Now I'll be watching one of two remaining, which will get axed, and I'll have to wait until March to watch the other. *deep sigh*

Virtual Firefly

First off, Happy New Year! I hope your New Year's Eve was as good as mine, because mine rocked. Also, I hope you didn't have to participate in the annual Holiday Death Bowl on the freeways and made it home safe no matter how much or little you had to travel.

Now, on to the business for today.

I've never been big on fan fiction, mostly because I've never been a big enough fan to care about crappy, fan-made garbage.

But then I was browsing FireflyFans.net, and ran across a thread about a "Virtual Firefly" season. The idea was to finish off the first season (starting with episode 16), and then do an entire second season, in order to bridge the gap between the end of the TV show and the beginning of the movie. To my surprise, an entire episode had already been written and posted. Go here if you'd like to check it out. Scroll down, and click on "Teaser" then "Chapter 1" then "Act 2" and so on.

I think it's awesome. With any project this ambitious, I really want to see it come to fruition, but it may very well fizzle out. We'll see, but for right now, I'm looking forward to Episode 17.

P.S. There's another Virtual Firefly project on the FireflyFans.net board that I haven't read yet. It's also the second season of Firefly, but it continues the story after the events of Serenity. The website for that project is here, and they already have the first episode posted.

Pic-a-ture

Yep, new avatar picture. That's me. It's highly stylized (oh how I love thee, Photoshop), but I think it looks badass. Very Marv-ish.

That's all for today, just the pic. For New Year's Eve I'm heading down to the Bob Hope Theatre (formerly the Fox) with Justin to rock out with some Van Halen and AC/DC cover bands. Should be awesome. Have a safe one, folks, see you in 2006.

This is your life

Ran across a link to a "Life Rating" quiz today, right here. Of course, I had to take it.

My results look like this.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.7
Mind:	6.5
Body:	5.5
Spirit:	6
Friends/Family:	4.7
Love:	0.8
Finance:	6.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

First off, don't cry for my love life. Sure, a .8 looks bad, but that's because the questions were loaded. Yes, I'm single and don't have prospects on the horizon, but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my situation. Far from it, actually.

I also have to take issue with the Friends and Family score. I love my immediate family, don't need my extended family (bunch of redneck, racist, bible-thumping assholes anyway), and I have a great core group of friends.

Now that I look at it, most of these scores are a bit off. The Body score could actually be a bit lower. I suffer from FBS (fat bastard syndrome), although I don't necessarily care who knows it, and it doesn't have an effect on my self esteem. And the Finance score shouldn't be that high. I have a steady, decent paying job, but I'm working on a mountain of college debt (not as big a mountain as some people have, granted, but it's a mountain to me).

So my life, rated, isn't very accurate. But it was a fun time waster.

Guitar players: Heroes of our modern age

I have a newfound respect for guitar players. I always knew, on some level, that the skill necessary to play a guitar was one worthy of reverence. That became more evident when I got my first "real" guitar and began the long journey of learning to play (one which I have stalled on, but that's another tale). But today, I look upon guitarists with sheer awe.

For I have attempted to play "Bark at the Moon" on Medium difficulty in Guitar Hero. I know what you're thinking. Medium? You're a chump who doesn't deserve to call himself a gamer. But I ask you to pause in your verbal bashing of my gaming skills. Bark at the Moon on Medium is incredibly hard, almost impossible. The speed and precision required to even get halfway through the song is incredible. And this is with a guitar shaped controller with 5 fret buttons (of which only 4 are used on the song) and a strum bar that replaces the 6 strings commonly found on a guitar.

Zakk Wylde, the lead guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne on Bark at the Moon, is a god among men. If you've heard the song before, you have an idea of the flurry of notes he plays, particulary in the solo. For a better idea of what playing the song is actually like, check out this tablature. A quick primer on guitar tabs: The table is laid out where each row represents one of the 6 strings, and each column is a note or chord that's played. The numbers represent the fret the guitarist places his finger on the string in order to produce that note or chord. A 0 is an open string. The lower the number, the lower the note (higher on the fret board), and frets are numbered from 1 to 20-something.

The tab doesn't give you any idea of the tempo, but it's fast. Just looking at that tab gives me the shivers. It's a bit hard to visualize if you've never practiced fingering on the fretboard of a guitar, but take it from me: Bark at the Moon is a finger-melter as much as it is a face-melter.

There's no place I can be, since I found Serenity

For any of you who have been living under a damn rock, Serenity hit the streets today (actually yesterday according to the post time, but WTF) on DVD. I haven't gotten my copy yet, as I heard tell it's something of a Christmas present, but I did purchase 3 copies to give others as gifts. So what are you waiting for? Go forth, and buy.

Just one of them days...

I promise I'm not going to whine and bitch about work like I used to on this blog, and most people do every day on their blogs, but allow me this one tiny complaint. Is it too much to ask that we be nice to each other? I'm not requesting we blow smoke up each others asses, but at least be civil, and polite.

After all, it's the holiday season. If we can't be nice to each other now, when can we? There's no need to yell, or be rude. For the record, I have no problem with cursing (is that obvious? Fuckin A it is). But if you're going to get all worked up over something, why not tell someone who can actually do something about it? I just work here, buddy. You got problems with the man? So do I. Take it up with him, but don't get all pissy with me about it, and threaten to sue, or cancel your membership, or hang up on me because you don't like the truth. Fuck you.

Now I know why postal workers are notorious for going crazy and shooting a bunch of people. Dealing with the dregs of society day after day can really get on your fucking nerves.

Miscellaneous Stuff

Here's a couple of things that have been on my mind this weekend, that are important enough to write about, but not important enough to merit their own post.

I saw Syriana on Saturday. Good flick, closest compared with Traffic. I liked Traffic, but for some reason, found it harder to follow than Syriana, which many people have complained about. I didn't find Syriana hard to follow at all. The trick is paying attention. A lot of American theatre-goers like to shut their brains off when the lights go down, but Syriana's not that kind of movie, and it can't be faulted for that.

Even so, I can't complain too much about the American theatre-goers, as enough of them went to see Syriana in it's opening weekend that it opened at #2, up against the Christian behemoth that is Narnia. Good on you, folks, although you're still not off the hook for passing on Serenity (which is still the best movie of 2005, in my book).

I also got Guitar Hero delivered to my door on Saturday. If I didn't already own a PS2, I'd seriously consider buying one just for this game. It comes with a guitar, for chrissakes. Sure, it's a guitar controller, but damn if it isn't badass. And you get to rock the house with it. It's extremely satisfying to nail a complicated riff, then tilt the guitar vertically and melt the audience's faces with a solo. If only playing a real guitar was this easy to pick up and start rocking out with.

Finally, I recently discovered Farscape. Let me rephrase that. I actually watched the first few episodes of Farscape, as I'd never seen a single one before. I had heard about it, sure, and had even gone so far as to look up the boxed sets on Amazon. It was then that I took a step back, as the price was outrageous (something like 120 bucks a season). But I finally rented the first disc from Netflix, and it's pretty good. It hasn't blown me away, but it's certainly got my attention. Now the only problem is juggling all the TV shows I'm in the middle of watching on DVD and on broadcast TV.

Number 2 isn't as bad as you think

Rumors continue to swirl around Nintendo's next-gen console, code-named Revolution. We know what the controller and the unit itself will look like, but not much else. It might be twice as powerful as the Gamecube; it might use standard DVD5's and DVD9's as its medium; it might have free downloadable first party retro titles and pay-for-play third party retro titles; it might sell for $150 or less at launch; it might have free, wireless online play; it might have new games that sell for $50; it might come out in time for Christmas in 2006.

We just don't know for sure. Even if half those rumors are true, or have some bit of truth to them (especially the launch price), I think Nintendo stands a very good chance of coming in at a solid #2 in the console wars this time around. And #2 is not a bad place to be, especially for Nintendo right now.

I've said this before, but if Nintendo is in last place this time around, they're done as a hardware developer. It happened to Sega, and it'll happen to Nintendo. I really don't want to see that happen, since I think Nintendo has some truely interesting ideas, and I've been a fan or theirs since I was 5. But the console market only has room for two consoles, not 3.

I think Microsoft will come out on top, regardless of what I consider a very poor launch (though the general consensus seems to be "best launch ever"), for a number of reasons. They launched the 360 at least 6 months (probably closer to a year) before anyone else will launch their next-gen offerings, they've got (I believe) the most powerful console, they've got a solid list of upcoming titles, and they have a strong, consistent vision for the direction and purpose of their console. That last bit is something Sony is sorely lacking.

Which is why I think Sony is dead last. It takes balls to predict a turnaround from first to worst, but I got balls like you wouldn't believe. Sony would like us to think the PS3 will hit Spring 2006, but from what I've read, they're not even close to Spring 2006, and I would be surprised if they managed to launch next year at all. Scratch that, I think they'll bust their asses to launch at Christmas 2006, but it will be a huge mistake. There were manufacturing shortages of the 360, and it was actually ready to launch. If Sony tries to bring out the PS3 next winter, not only will there be shortages, the first generation of hardware will have serious issues (anyone remember the first generation of the PS1 having a heatsink that didn't work? I do). Not only that, but what compelling reasons are there to buy a PS3? Blu-ray? I can buy a standalone player if Blu-ray actually becomes the dominant format. Games? Sony has an exclusive with MGS4, but I stopped caring about the MGS games after the travesty that was MGS2. Sony also has Gran Turismo, which Forza Motorsport put to shame. And the Grand Theft Auto games eventually came to Xbox. Controller design? I don't need a fucking Batarang, thanks.

The way I see it, there's no reason for Nintendo not to end up in second place.

Backwards compatibility, my ass

Backwards compatibility, for me anyway, has never been a strong selling point on a console. I don't get rid of my old systems, so if I ever felt the urge to boot up the original cartridge of TMNT: the Arcade game, I could; assuming I wanted to go to the trouble of hooking up my NES and cleaning both it and the game first. The point is, it's there, should I want to.

Like I said, I never really gave backwards compatibility a second thought until this weekend. Justin came over, and wanted to play some Bushido Blade 2 (which is, arguably, the best fighting game ever. I mean, ninjas and swords and one hit kills? Badass, man) for the PS1. Hey, whaddya know, my PS2 is backwards compatible, so I don't have to pull my PS1 out and hook it up.

So we were playing, trading off against the CPU, and unlocked some secret characters. At the end of the story mission, it asked if we wanted to save. Of course. The PS2 looked for the memory card, and then popped up with, "Memory card was removed." No, it wasn't. It had been there the whole time. I thought maybe it didn't like the PS2 memory card, so I dug out one of my old PS1 cards and tried again. "Memory card was removed." Bullshit, mother fucker. So I didn't save, and went to the memory card manager, thinking there might not be enough space on the card. Nope, that wasn't the problem, either.

So, even though Sony hyped the shit out of the PS2 being backwards compatible (the first console to do so, if I remember correctly, although I believe Nintendo might have beat them to the punch in the overall market with their handheld Game Boy something or other), it's really not. Why should I bother playing a PS1 game on my PS2 if I can't save my fucking progress?

Here's what really pisses me off, though: there are PS1 emulators for the PC that are capable of saving my progress just fine. Emulators, that, might I add, a group of folks coded in their spare time, for no money. Why did Sony bother paying their employees to emulate their PS1 poorly when they could have payed people that would have done the job right?

I love it, but TV sucks

It really does. For each one of the handful of shows that I watch on a regular basis, there's a vast wasteland of bullshit out there on the dial. For every Smallville, there's a 7th Heaven. For every Veronica Mars, there's an OC. For every Bones, there's a CSI: Hoboken. For every Lost, there's a Survivor 47: Guam. And for every one of the handful of shows that I enjoy that have played out their run in its entirety, there's a fuck-ton of great shows that have been mercilessly cut down in their prime.

I could run down the list of fantastic shows that Fox alone has cancelled, but we could be here a while. Instead, I'll talk a bit about two of Fox's newest shows that I really like, but probably aren't going to make it into their sophomore years.

1. Prison Break. Sure, the plot holes are big enough to drive a truck through, but who gives a shit? It's fucking entertaining, as long as you don't think about it logically. And it was doing real well for Fox on Monday nights. So what do they do? 13 episodes in, it's done until March. That's 4 months with no new episodes. 4 months? Americans would forget about their own kids if they didn't see them in 4 months, they're damn sure going to forget about a TV show. Why does Prison Break have to go on a 4 month long hiatus? So Fox can make room for "Ice Skating with the Stars."

2. Bones. Certainly the best crime drama I've seen, and that's not just because David Boreanaz is in it. Fox recognizes that they've got a hit with this show, but what are they doing? After a month long "winter hiatus" coming up at the end of this month, they're moving it from a prime spot Tuesdays at 8 to a murderous slot on Wednesdays at 9. Why is Wednesdays at 9 murderous? Because that's Lost's timeslot, not to mention Veronica Mars, who's no lightweight. And why, pray tell, would Fox do this? To make room for American Idol, that's why. American Idol has to take up two, count em, two prime slots: Tuesday and Wednesday at 8, one hour for performances, and one hour for results. I'll give you one guess why they're not putting the results show on Wednesday at 9, like they used to. That's right, so it doesn't go up against Lost. As if enough people didn't already get the results straight from the internet, they want to give everybody the opportunity to watch it on TV for a whole fucking hour, and let Bones deal with Lost.

Fan-fucking-tastic, Fox. Let me get this straight: you're intentionally killing (or at least, throwing to the dogs) two breakout hit shows so you can....put on more reality TV? People love the American Idol, they gotta have their Idol. But what the fuck is Ice Skating with the Stars? Who the hell watches this horseshit? I certainly don't. And why the hell is Survivor still on? I don't fucking care if it's not a Fox show. Did you know that piece of excrement is in its 11th season? It premiered in 2000, and has never not been on TV since for more than a 5 month stretch of time. That's enough proof for me that there is no god.

20Q from Joss Whedon

This file had been sitting on my desktop for about a week, waiting to be posted on this blog. Why didn't I do it sooner? Check out question 19.

TWENTY QUESTIONS (EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPECHEST)

1) What do you wish you'd invented? (for coolness and/or changing-the-world factor, not the patent. If it was about the patent money, my answer would be "stairs".)

Heath bars. Then I could say they were named after me, instead of having people think the opposite.

2) Take two movies and meld them into the ultimate movie -- or the weirdest, it's all good.

I'm gonna go for weirdest. The Hulk and Titanic. Hulk smash puny iceberg!

3) Very earliest memory.

I'm sure there's something before this, but it's not significant enough to stick out. Kindergarten, the class bully pushed a girl down. My best friend went to help her, and the bully pushed him too. So I pushed the bully down. That girl was my first "girlfriend."

4) Most remarkable thing you've ever eaten.

I don't eat anything I can't recognize, so I can't say I've ever eaten anything remarkable. I do remember the first time I ate salad with dressing, I wanted to vomit.

5) Hillary Clinton. Does she have a shot? SHOULD she have a shot?

No. And no. Yeah, Bill was great, but Hillary? I'd rather see Howard Dean.

6) Name something about you you have actively changed, or are trying to.

The only thing I've changed in the last month was my facial hair (I grew a beard for Halloween and haven't shaved it off yet).

7) Does Opera matter?

The web browser or the artform? Wait, the answer's no either way.

8) Recommend a book.

Irrational Exuberance. If you have any interest at all in the stock market, it's a great read.

9) If there ever was a female James Bond, who should play it?

Catherine Zeta-Jones.

10) With the obvious exception of Morgan Freeman's voiceovers, what's the most soothing sound in the world to you?

Brahm's Lullaby. You're lying if you tell me that won't put you to sleep everytime, because it certainly works on me.

11) A time someone surprised you.

A friend of mine in high school ate dog biscuits, canned cat food, and liquid hand soap in some sort of twisted cocktail. Why? To suprise me, I guess. It worked.

12) Your dumbest childhood fear.

Monsters in my closet. Maybe not the dumbest, but it's all I can think of.

13) Do you believe humankind is in ascension or decline?

Well, we'd like to think we're in an ascension, wouldn't we? While I don't think we're in a decline, and we certainly haven't descended in the last 100 years, I wouldn't say we've ascended in the last 15, either. If anything, we're moving sideways.

14) 10 friends. One week. Anywhere in the world. Where ya bringing us? (notice how I wormed in there? Awesome!)

Roadtripping along the East Coast. Plenty of great places to see and things to do.

15) If you were actually asked to run your government, would you?

Hell no.

16) What song do you HAVE to dance to?

I don't dance. I would substitute my favorite song, but there are way too many great ones to choose. The one that just popped into my head is Stranglehold by Ted Nugent.

17) Name a mentor.

My dad. I certainly have more in common with him than anyone else.

18) Porn. Good, evil, or indifferent?

Very good. Any man who does not have a porn stash is not a man I'd like to know. In case you're wondering, yes, my Dad has a porn stash. He's my mentor, remember?

19) Are you a procrastinator? If so, what's your usual method? (Answer this when you can get to it.)

Note to self: write an answer to this question.

20) Does your life have a purpose?

Yes. And it has nothing to do with spirituality.

Xbox 360

So the Xbox 360 is supposed to hit this Tuesday. Color me unimpressed.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some Xbox, and console gaming in general, but I'm simply not excited about the Xbox 360 launch. I've been excited about other console launches. I distinctly remember being very excited about the Gamecube launch, as there was this little game that allowed you to battle it out with your friends using classic Nintendo characters (Smash Brothers, for the uninitiated). I was excited about the PS2 launch, too.

In fact, I should be extremely excited about the 360 launch, since I like the Xbox the most out of the previous generation consoles, and think Microsoft is going to come out on top of this generation after a long reign of domination by Sony. Plus, this was the first console launch that I actually had enough disposable income to pre-order, had I been so inclined.

So why am I not excited about the 360? The main reason is the launch title lineup. It's pathetic. Let's see that list of launch titles, shall we?

Amped 3
Call of Duty 2
Condemned: Criminal Origins
FIFA Soccer 06 Road to 2006 FIFA World Cup
GUN
Kameo: Elements of Power
Madden NFL 06
NBA 2K6
NBA LIVE 06
Need for Speed Most Wanted
NHL 2K6
Perfect Dark Zero
Peter Jackson’s King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie
Project Gotham Racing 3
Quake 4
Ridge Racer 6
Tiger Woods PGA TOUR 06
Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland

I'm going to immediately ignore all the sports games (Amped, FIFA, Madden, the NBA games, NHL, Tiger Woods, and Tony Hawk) right off the bat. Sports games have been a part of every console's launch for as long as I can remember, but they're just yearly releases; new iterations of the same old game. They don't count as launch titles. You can't build a console launch on sports games.

Moving on, there's 3 racing games in there. I've never been a Ridge Racer fan, so that's out. The Need For Speed series has taken a serious downtown recently, as they seem hellbent on cashing in on the "underground" racing fad, when they should be continuing to release quality racing games, like Hot Pursuit and Porsche Unleashed. Then there's PGR 3. I liked PGR 2, until Forza Motorsport came along. I don't care how many cars and tracks PGR 2 had, it only had cosmetic damage modeling, which pisses me off in a non-arcade racing game. So until they make a new Forza game, I'm not interested.

There's a shitload of shooters. I heard something about Call of Duty 2 having a Halo 2-style "recharging" energy meter. This is WWII, assholes, there were no fucking energy shields. Don't give me some bullshit excuse for why your game lacks realism, just fuck off. I honestly haven't heard much about Condemned either way, so I can't comment on that. But if I haven't heard anything about it, it's hard to get excited. GUN is a rental, not a purchase. There's a lot of fanboys out there with a hardon for Perfect Dark Zero, and I don't know why. Never played the original because it didn't look any good. Probably not going to play the sequel, either. Quake 4 had a shitload of hype behind it, but didn't live up to it. Granted, that would be hard to do, but Quake 4 didn't even live up to my expectation of being a good game.

What's left? "Peter Jackson’s King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie"? When your game's title is a 10 word sentence, I'm not playing it. I don't care if it's the best game ever. Tone down that hubris a bit, Peter, you're not fucking Spielberg or Scorsese. Kameo is the only game that might be worth buying. I've heard a lot of good things, but haven't read any reviews yet. It kind of interests me, but I'm still not interested enough to bother reading a review to see if it's any good, let alone plop down my money for it.

Is that it? Is that the whole list of launch titles? For one game that maybe, perhaps, is a possible purchase? You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

What games would have interested me at launch? Excellent question. Let me give you a list of titles that would have made me hose my drawers.

Dark Messiah of Might and Magic
Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Gears of War
Halo 3
Huxley
Mass Effect
Saint's Row
The Godfather
The Outfit

Every last one of those games are going to be purchases, I'll bet. Granted, some of them might not be coming out for a while, but if the 360 had launched with that lineup? Fuck, I would have pre-ordered, pre-paid, pre-came, all that shit. I would have taken a week vacation just so I could play my 360 all day and most of the night.

Now, I said that the launch title lineup was one of the reasons I wasn't excited about the 360 launch. The other reason is related to the launch titles, but is mainly because of Gamestop/EB Games. Let me say this first: I hate Gamestop/EB Games. They were bad enough when they were seperate companies, but now one of them owns the other, and it's bullshit all around. I used to buy my games at brick and mortar stores, but not anymore. I do most of my shopping on the internet. So when I want to buy something, I go there first, and don't go anywhere else. So I can get an Xbox 360 online, right?

Not exactly. The only place you can pre-order online is at Gamestop/EB Games. Great. Well, I suppose buying from them online isn't so bad. At least then I don't have to deal with idiot salespeople. But wait! You can't just pre-order a 360 and be done with it. No, they're not going to let you get away just spending 300-400 bucks there. You have to get a bundle. A bundle with shitty launch titles, and peripherals you don't need, for like 800-1000 dollars. A grand? I want to buy a game console, not put a down payment on a car. Hey Microsoft, you should thank Gamestop/EB Games for their idiotic bundles. They helped you not sell a bunch of consoles at launch.

EDIT: I read some of Gamestop's reviews of the 360 launch titles. Other than the fact that they're waaay too lenient (6 of the 10 titles they reviewed were "great." Somehow I doubt I'd have the same opinion), I learned that Kameo is deserving of whatever praise it's given, but at under 10 hours of gameplay, is most likely a rental, and that Condemned takes a great premise and interesting gameplay hook (that there's a bunch of crazy people on the loose and your character's way of dealing with them is to beat the living shit out of them with all manner of improvised weapons), but doesn't do much with it due to uninspired level design, lack of combat variety, and unsatisfying story.

So that means the 360 launch verdict is: exactly 2 games worth playing, but not worth buying. Wow. Great launch. I'm impressed.

I tell ya I get no respect

No respect at all.

I'm not asking for much, just get my name right. That's all. It's one syllable, for chrissake.

Heath.

See that?

H-E-A-T-H-Heath.

Not Keith.
Not Steve.
Not Pete.
Not Zeke.
Not Leif.

Heath.

Some people aren't even in the ballpark.

My name's not Ryan.
Or Phil.
Or Timmy.
Or Dave.
Or Paul.
Or Sid.

It's Heath, mother fucker, do you even speak English? Like you've never fucking heard of someone named Heath before. There's Heath candy bars, there's Heathcliff the cat, there's that ponce Heath Ledger, there's even a Heath, Ohio, Heath, Texas, and Heath, Massachusetts.

But you know what's worst of all? When they're soooo close, and yet the furthest of all. My first name does not have a fucking "L" in it, alright? Furthermore, have you ever, in the history of the entire fucking world, ever, heard of anyone, anywhere, named Health? Seriously. Cause if you have, I want a hit of whatever drug you're on, asshole.

And my middle name is Gerard. You know, like that Gerardo guy, without the "O" at the end. You know who I'm talking about, that Rico Suave mother fucker? Sure you do. Anyway, it's Gerard.

Not Gerald.

I don't know what the fuck it is with people and them wanting to stick L's in my goddamn name, but I've only got one of em. I don't need more, dipshits.

So for the record, it's Heath Gerard Wheeler. Learn it. Know it. But don't fucking wear it out.

Serenity DVD

Heard tell it hits the shelves December 20, 2005. Gonna be a big damn Christmas present for a lot of folks.

But here's what I take issue with: the cover art. Check it out.

So there are a number of things wrong with that cover, but I'm going to focus on what I think is the most egregious example. That'd be the tagline at the top. "Experience the Ultimate Action Adventure." Wait, what? Serenity is not some bullshit run of the mill action movie. It defies convention. That's kind of the point. So to pick some generalized nonsense tagline to sell the movie is a great disservice.

Allow me to suggest some alternatives:

You can't take the sky from me.
Can't stop the signal.
They aim to misbehave.
Let's be bad guys.
Shiny.
She can kill you with her brain.
I am a leaf on the wind.
Better worlds, all of them.
We shall call it...this land.
Serenity: Some people juggle geese.
Just believe.
No more runnin'.
They're not gonna see this coming.
The first rule of flying: Love.
You think your government is evil?
Mighty fine shindig.
Serenity: The big damn DVD.
Serenity: Not gosa.
We are just too pretty for God to let us die.
The future is worth fighting for.
War's long done. We're all just folk now.
Time for some thrilling heroics.
Serenity: It's worse than they know. It usually is.
If you can't do something smart, do something right.
They may have been on the losing side, but they're still not convinced it was the wrong one.
Serenity: It gets awful lonely in the black.

How fucking hard is that, seriously? Did the marketing assholes even watch the movie? Or even the trailers? Are they familiar with Serenity and Firefly at all? Apparently not.

Thanks to CorSec for helping with the brainstorming of these taglines.

What in the blue hell is wrong with people?

Seriously. I thought we lived in a civilized society. I thought we, as human animals, had reached a point where we respected each other's property. I'm not asking for all of us to hold hands and sing songs, but is it too much to ask that we don't take what isn't ours?

Apparently it is. You see, I subscribe to Netflix. For those unfamiliar with the concept, Netflix sends you DVDs, you watch the movies, and you send them back. Wash, rinse, repeat. I've been a subscriber since March of 2004, and I've had exactly zero problems with them. I still have no problem with them.

I'm upset because I put out some DVDs for the mailman in the mailbox when I left for work this morning, just like I always do, since the mail usually comes before I get home from work. Just so we're clear, my mailbox isn't out at the street with the flag, it's on my front porch. So I came home from work today, and checked the mailbox. My DVDs weren't there, but there was no mail, either. Huh. No mail today, I guess. That's extremely odd, usually there's at least one piece of junk mail. Oh well.

I paid it no mind, until I saw the mailman come an hour later and deliver my mail.

Some gutless, dickless, worthless fucking cuntrag stole my fucking DVDs! Well, not my DVDs, Netflix's DVDs, which I now have to report lost, even though the post office didn't lose them. I mean, what the fuck? It's bad enough if an employee of the postal service tampers with the mail, but I find it totally reprehensible that some shitstain in my neighborhood has the fucking audacity to steal mail right out of my mailbox, in broad daylight. Jesus Christ giving anal to mother Mary while Joseph jerks off in the corner.

Just when I thought it was all good...

It has to get all fucked up.

See that post below there? The one blowing smoke up Ultimate Spider-Man's ass? Well, I guess I spoke too soon.

Let me explain. I was playing it not 10 minutes ago. I had been playing for an hour and a half, having a shit ton of fun. Since I'm real bad about stuff like that, I hadn't saved, but had made a ton of progress. And what happens? The game freezes. A fucking console game. Frozen. What the fuck? That's not supposed to happen, goddammit, fucking console games do not fucking freeze! You can't patch a console game. A console game with a freezing bug is nothing more than a coaster, a worthless piece of shit.

Maybe the game autosaves. Maybe it doesn't. Right now I could really care less, as I'm so angry I want to snap the damn disc in half. Son of a bitch.

Time for a rave

I've ranted and bitched, now I feel like giving out some praise for something that's not fucked up.

I recently rented Ultimate Spider-Man for Xbox. And I'll be damned if it isn't fun as hell. Spider-Man was good, and Spider-Man 2 was even better (both movie tie-ins, of course), but there was something about them that just wasn't right.

Ultimate Spider-Man is apparently, based in the Ultimate comic book universe (which I'm not familiar with), but the game gets all the important stuff right. First off, it's fun to swing around the city. If it wasn't fun to swing around the city, it doesn't matter what else the game did, it would be a failure. But it gets that right, and that's a very good thing.

Secondly, Spider-Man is funny. He cracks wise, he's a smart ass, and he's always shooting his mouth off when he shouldn't. Perfect. If you have a Spider-Man game that feels like Spider-Man, but doesn't act like Spider-Man, then you've failed. But again, this game gets it right.

Finally, the pacing and game play are great. Boss battles are varied and genuinely difficult without being hair-pulling. Story-line missions are meted out according to how many miscellaneous city missions you complete. In this way, the normally pointless side-missions are made integral to advancing the story. Now, if the side missions were total bullshit, this would be a game breaker. But since it's so damn fun to web around the city, it doesn't matter. Plus, completing the side missions unlocks stuff. So by making you do side missions alongside the story line, when you're done with the game, you're actually done with the game, and don't have to spend hours doing boring side missions just to unlock a new Spidey outfit or something.

So, makers of Ultimate Spider-Man: I salute you.

Looking for a job sucks

How come no one ever told me about this when I was in school? Why was I not warned that the search for gainful employment is nothing short of looking for a chocolate chip in a wheelbarrow full of shit? Seriously, I don't know how anyone ever has found a job.

Everyone talks about how it's easy. They know a guy who knows a guy. The commericials for the job search websites actually say that you'll have employers contacting you, not the other way around. Lost your job? No worries, another one'll come along in about a week. You won't even miss a paycheck!

Bullshit. It's fucking impossible to find a job, and even tougher to find a decent one. Job search websites don't work. I know, I've tried them all. There's so many buzzwords and bullshit that even if you're qualified for something, you can't find the listing for it. Even if you do find a job that fits you, how many other people found the same listing you did? A shitload, and odds are there's at least one of them that's more qualified than you.

Forget the want ads. Same shit as the websites, only worse because you have to look through them by hand.

No, you have to know a guy who knows a guy. And unless you've sucked said guy's dick, you still might not get the job. You have to already have a job to get a job. You have to actually know the guy, not be somewhere down the acquaintance chain. And that just gets your foot in the door. You've gotta have a shiny resume, a kickass cover letter, and nail the interview in order to actually land the job.

So I ask again: how is that anyone has ever gotten a job, ever? I guess there's a lot of dick suckers out there.