Anyone Wanna Buy a Copy of GH3 for PS3?

Harmonix made a post today on the official Rock Band forums.

Two weeks ago, Harmonix created a software patch for the Sony PLAYSTATION 3 version of Rock Band that allowed for guitar compatibility and support for third party peripherals, including enabling use of Activision's Guitar Hero III controller with Rock Band. The compatibility patch was submitted, approved and had been scheduled for release by Sony on Tuesday, December 4. Unfortunately, Activision objected to the compatibility patch's release. The patch remains with Sony, but we have been told that it will unfortunately not be released due to Activision's continued objection.

That's awesome, I tell ya. Harmonix did the right thing, and Activision is being a bunch of bitches. So you know what? I'm done with Activision and Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero is dead to me. Long live Rock Band.

That One Game That I Talk About All The Time

I finished up the Medium Drum solo career last week. Extremely fun stuff. For some inexplicable reason, Green Grass and High Tides is stuck at the end of the sixth (I think, could be seventh) set (there are nine sets in total) for the Drum career. So damn hard. Not to mention that it's fucking 10 minutes long, and the last 4 minutes are an extremely fast beat including the kick pedal. That's fucking work, right there. Buy Rock Band, play the drums, get in shape.

Once I got past GGaHT, the rest of Medium was a piece of cake. Enamored with my success, I got the crew together over the weekend to play some 3 player. The Me Too's (a name which they dislike, I'm not sure why, because I love it) rocked the house so hard that I decided to step it up to Hard on the drums. "How hard can it be?" I asked myself. I even picked a not all that difficult song for my first foray (Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden). Holy shit, I got booed off the stage in about 30 seconds. I'll have to give Hard another shot when there aren't two other people depending on me for a solid rhythm.

Oh, one other thing. There's this guy that tried out the drums the first time we got the band together and scoffed at it. You know the type: "Shit, why not just play the real thing? I could hella tear this song up on an actual kit. Look at this piece of shit, it's so gay." He played a couple of songs, did a respectable job, and then left us "kids" to play our "game." Despite completely missing the point of playing a game, he decided to give the drums another shot yesterday. He stepped up the difficulty level, and rocked out. He commented after a particular song, "That was hella fun to play!" and even rejoiced over hitting 98% of the notes on Medium Drums compared to my 96% of the notes on Hard Guitar on another song. That's right, I lead the Church of Rock Band, and there is no choice but to convert.

Maybe Mr. T Is Pretty Handy With Computers?

The Coolest Thing I've Ever Seen

Rock Band Post #37

From the Rock Band Official Forums:

Available today is a routine update for the PLAYSTATION 3 version of Rock Band that addresses a number of items related to guitar controller compatibility. Should Rock Band owners choose to obtain the update, they will need broadband internet access connected to their PLAYSTATION 3. The update will be downloaded once the game is started.

This posted sometime yesterday (not sure what time, because the timestamping on the forums is completely wrong). There are a number of interesting things about this post, the first of which being the corporate-speak language. So let's address what it actually says.

First, it refers to the patch as a "routine update." Does that mean they plan to regularly update the game? Did they plan to add additional controller functionality all along? Or are they using the word routine in the sense of a code routine? Who knows?

The patch "addresses a number of items related to guitar compatibility." Number of items? Related to guitar compatibility? There's one item "related" to guitar compatibility as far as myself and others are concerned: we want the GH3 Les Paul to work with Rock Band. That's it. If the patch doesn't allow the GH3 Les Paul to work with Rock Band, then it's fucking useless. Period.

You need a broadband internet connection for the PS3 in order to get the patch. I.E. you can't download it on your computer and transfer it on a flash drive. Ok, makes sense. If you have a PS3 and don't have broadband, you need to get your priorities straight.

When the game boots up, you get the patch. There was a day 1 patch, and it worked the same way, so that's fine.

This post went up later that day:

I was told it would go live today. If it doesn't go live today I imagine it will go live soon as there is a patch and it has passed all sorts of certification. It exists, is what I am trying to say.

So, there's a patch, but we don't know when it will be released? Maybe today, maybe Thursday, maybe next week? It's passed all sorts of certification, so that's good. I assume the sorts of certification it passed allows it to be released to all PS3 users, and not just specially selected beta testers or some shit.

Wait, sorry, I'm reading into the post. He says it's passed certification and should go live soon. Ok, perhaps it will be Thursday, since that's when new content hits the Playstation store. Get your patch and downloadable content all at the same time!

One last post made late last night/early this morning:

So as you may have noticed the patch still isn't up and I apologize. We're trying to find out what the holdup is and I'll get back to you when I know. Or better yet the patch will just go up and everyone will be stoked. Sorry about the delay.

Now we have no idea when the patch will go up, or why it's delayed. Why do I get the feeling that either this patch isn't what we've been waiting for, or that it's just a ploy to keep us waiting until they can release standalone guitars so we forget all about it and shell out another 70 bucks?

I honestly don't see what the problem is here. Are we really expected to believe that no one involved with the game, at any level, ever said, "Hey, maybe folks out there are thinking they can use their GH3 Les Paul's on the PS3 with Rock Band, so we should look into that. If we can't make it work, we should let them know. If we can make it work, we might want to wait to release until it's ready." Maybe someone did say that, and it fell on deaf ears, although I can't imagine why, since that's the only way to have a full band on PS3 at this time. It's not like PS3 users haven't had to wait for other titles before.

Rock Band + GH3 Les Paul. Let's get it done.

Battalion Wars 2 (Wii) Impressions and Yet Another RB Note

I've played Battalion Wars 2 for about an hour, and gone through five missions. It's basically a real-time shooter version or the Advance Wars games on GBA and DS. After a quick check of GameFAQs, I discovered that the game only spans 19 missions, which puts the entire game at about 4 hours. That's just a bit shorter than my dick, if you measured my dick in hours.

There's multiplayer that would theoretically pad that runtime, but it's only online, no local multiplayer option. Since I don't know anyone with the game, that's useless. Still, it's been fun for an hour, so we'll see how the other 3 go.

Also, after being stuck at 56 of 58 songs on the Hard guitar career, I finished that off last night. Green Grass and High Tides, the final song on the list, isn't terribly difficult so much as an endurance test (it's about 10 minutes long). The real bitch (for me, anyway) is Flirtin' With Disaster. A good third of the song is a devastating solo. I eventually got it, but I was flirtin' with getting booed off the stage for the last half of the tune.

Now it's time to go back to the drums (on Medium) for another 25 songs or so. Let's hope those rumors of standalone axes being available on 12/18 are true so I can rock the full band sooner rather than later.

Oh, I Almost Forgot To Mention

I made a credit card payment today. My last major one, in fact. You know what that means?

That means no more debt, baby! As of right now, I am completely free and clear of debt. The only use my credit card has now is for monthly recurring charges like my cell phone, Netflix subscription, and the like. Any purchases I make from now on will be made either with cash or my check card.

I thought I might feel different now that I'm out of debt, but I don't. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. Maybe looking at my checking account balance at the end of the month and instead of seeing "$42.73," staring at a number like "$1,856.97" will drive the point home.

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune (PS3) Review

Uncharted is so short, I didn't even get a chance to toss up some impressions before I finished it. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though, considered how well put together it is, how amazing it looks, and how much fun it is to blow people away around corners without even looking. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Uncharted is one of those games that I started looking forward to way back at some E3 when I first saw a video demo. It looked like the evolution of Tomb Raider: running and gunning, platforming, and puzzle solving in some ancient temple/tomb/lost city in glorious 1080p at 60 fps. And that's exactly what it is. Our hero, Nathan Drake, is a bad-ass with his 9mm pistol and shotgun strapped to his back, while leaping around jungle locales like a monkey and finding lost treasure. He's joined by Elena Fisher, a smart and cocky reporter who can hold her own with a gun, and Victor "Sully" Sullivan, a shady treasure hunter out for one last big score. They're all looking for the treasure of El Dorado, aided by the diary of Nate's ancestor, Sir Francis Drake.

The game plays like most other third person shooters/platformers. Drake can run and jump, climb, deal out savage beatings, fire from the hip, or take aim for more accurate shooting. He can also take cover, and pop out to fire or just fire blindly from safety. At certain points, there are context sensitive button presses, such as turning a crank to open a gate or diving away from falling debris.

Sound, music, and voice acting are all excellent. Firing an AK sounds like it should, the score hits all the right points, and the actors really do a wonderful job. It helps that the cutscenes (which are in-engine) are fantastic, and the facial expressions convey the right emotions.

Which brings me to the way the game looks. I could use a number of different adjectives here, but I think amazing pretty well sums it up. After Assassin's Creed, I didn't think a first-gen PS3 game could look any better, but Uncharted does. There are some minor issues with texture-pop, but nothing major.

Besides the occasional replacement textures, there are a few other issues. The difficulty can be uneven, and there are certain spots of trial and error. If you get stuck, the game will often provide a hint on where or what you're supposed to go or do next, but they come only after wandering around lost for five minutes. Even when you know what you're supposed to do, sometimes it feels like the game is mocking you as you try to do it and fail repeatedly (the endgame is a perfect example of that). When you do fail, you usually don't get set back too far, but it's still an annoyance.

Even with the try, try again sections, the game is almost criminally short. At most, the first run-through takes 8 hours. There are 60 treasures to collect, and a new game mode that's unlocked after beating the initial campaign ("Crushing" difficulty. I did Normal, not Hard, and Crushing sounds downright painful), but I don't really go for that. If you do, I imagine finding all the treasures and doing everything there is to do adds another 8-10 hours.

While I'm glad I rented and didn't buy (if only because it took me 3 days of play to finish the campaign), Uncharted is a very good game. Definitely a solid rental, and maybe a purchase once the price comes down, if you're a completist. There's a lot of polish here, and an entertaining story. It might not be Game of the Year, but Uncharted is worth your time.

The Non-Response Response

You're familiar with the term non-denial denial? Well, I just coined a new term (I think). I may also be flogging a thoroughly dead horse, but I don't care. This is my goddamn blog, and if I want to bitch about something, I'm damn well going to. Especially because the alternative is making a post on the "official" Rock Band forums, which is a fucking wasteland of stupidity and fanboyism. So here goes.

Harmonix released (another) official response today regarding the PS3 guitar compatibility issue. Here it is:

Many of you have contacted us about the PS3 edition of Rock Band--from issues with guitar compatibility to frustration that stand-alone guitars and drums for Rock Band have not yet hit stores. Please know that these issues have our full attention. We are listening and we read everything that is posted here on our forums. We are committed to providing the best play experience possible and working hard to ensure that we solve these problems as soon as possible. We promise to keep you updated and, in the meantime, we thank you for your patience.

Let's break this down line by line.

"Many of you have contacted us about the PS3 edition of Rock Band--from issues with guitar compatibility to frustration that stand-alone guitars and drums for Rock Band have not yet hit stores."

There are only two issues that PS3 users are concerned about: guitar compatibility (i.e. the Les Paul working with Rock Band), and stand-alone instruments (most notably the guitar, but I guess if a PS3 user bought the disc-only version of the game, they might only be interested in the drums, and would want to buy them separately). So saying "from issue A to issue B" makes no sense when there's nothing in between issue A and issue B.

"Please know that these issues have our full attention."

Do they really? I would imagine that downloadable content has your full attention right now, given the weekly release schedule through the end of the year. Gotta get those dollars, G.

"We are listening and we read everything that is posted here on our forums."

Bullshit. At most, you skim. As I stated before, the official forums are teeming with idiots, you are not reading every piece of horseshit that dribbles from their mouths.

"We are committed to providing the best play experience possible and working hard to ensure that we solve these problems as soon as possible."

This is the part that most people seem to be having trouble with. It's my opinion that they think this line says, "We will patch Rock Band PS3 to work with the Les Paul and make stand-alone instruments available in time for Christmas." Sorry, assholes, but it doesn't say that. It doesn't say anything like that. By not doing a damn thing about the Les Paul and releasing stand-alone instruments in February 08, they're "solving these problems as soon as possible."

"We promise to keep you updated and, in the meantime, we thank you for your patience."

That's nice. I appreciate the update, and I will continue to have patience. Are you fucking kidding me? This isn't a response. It sets no timeframe, no strategy, no action-plan, and no expected results. It's completely devoid of any substance at all. It boils down to "We know you have complaints, we don't really care, just wait for February to pay us more money for the complete Rock Band experience. Until then, check out the microtransactions. kthxbai."

Jesus Christ almighty, this is ridiculous. This is the kind of shit that makes folks boycott companies, no matter how good the product (or parts of the product) may be.

More Game Notes

SMG - Still at 44 stars, no progress.

Assassin's Creed - I finished the campaign, and did everything except hunting down all the flags. I have no idea if you got something special for finding all the flags, but frankly I don't care. Collecting a bunch of pointless shit isn't why I play games. I play games to have fun, and Assassin's Creed had that in spades. I probably spent somewhere around 15-20 hours with it, and I was never bored or trying to rush to get through it. I took my time, got frustrated a few times because of seemingly impossible missions, but got through them with skill, not luck (which is required in far too many games, *cough* GTA *cough*), and thoroughly enjoyed nearly every minute.

Not only that, but once it was over (and yes, I even came back after the credits were over to get the last bits of story), I immediately wanted more. Not sure if Ubisoft is already working on a sequel (assuming it sold well enough, which I think it did), but I want it sooner rather than later. A wise man once said that great games overcome their flaws, and Assassin's Creed does just that.

Zack and Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure - At first blush, this is a kiddie game, with annoying anime trappings. Upon further inspection, it's a puzzle/adventure game with some great ideas, excellent use of the Wiimote, and a maddeningly difficult exercise in trial and error. I'm sure I've seen other games with as much unfulfilled promise as Zack and Wiki, but it's certainly the most recent example. Turning enemies into items that you can use to solve puzzles? Brilliant. Point and click adventuring with the Wiimote? Great. Gesturing with the Wiimote to turn keys, saw through logs, ring bells, and shovel snow, all completely intuitively and (for the most part) flawlessly? Fantastic. Dying for no reason, not knowing what the fuck to do with a limited number of items at your disposal, and restarting stages again and again because you made too many errors? Un-fucking-excusable.

Remember what I said about playing games to have fun? Zack and Wiki isn't fun. It's trial and error gameplay at it's best (worst?) with a bunch of bullshit anime conventions piled on for good measure. It could have been truly great, a must own title for the Wii, and maybe even started a new Nintendo flagship series. Instead, it's not even worth a rental, unless you like tearing your hair out.

Oh, and it's a perfect example of why you should never trust reviews. It currently sports an 8.7 among critics over at Metacritic, and an amazing 9.5 among users. I wouldn't wipe my ass with the manual.

Rock Band - I don't think I need to say anything else about Rock Band that I haven't already. If you have a 360 or a PS3 (or later this year, a PS2) and don't own Rock Band, there is something wrong with you.

Musings on Rock Band

3-player Rock Band is so much fun it should be illegal. I can only imagine that 4-player Rock Band must be like the second coming of Christ while eating Oreos and having an orgasm.

More band names:
Right of Way
Future Business Leaders of America (this would require the whole band to be dressed in suits, but with Rock Band's character customization tool, it's totally possible)
Hitler's Handgun

I named the band The Me Too's on Justin's suggestion. I love that name, because it's so perfect for a cover band.

Replacing the stock lyrics with your own made up lyrics is universal. Apparently I'm not the only one who sings "I've seen a million faces, and I've fucked em all" in Wanted Dead or Alive.

I think I might be starting to have trouble with my guitar. Star Power...er, excuse me, Overdrive wouldn't deploy during a couple songs last night, and then started working again. Weird. I hear that there's a 60 day warranty for broken instruments, though, so we'll see.

Miscellaneous Notes

Got some things that have piled up over the holiday, so time to get em out.

First, I think I'm done with Thanksgiving. I went over to my uncle's house this year, which ordinarily wouldn't be so bad. He's cool, but everyone else there was awful. My cousins (his daughters) are both idiots: one of them is a recovering drug addict and active alcoholic, the other never shuts her stupid mouth. Their next door neighbors are morons, too. I've known both of them for quite a while, and seen them on numerous occasions, but the guy had no idea who I was, and introduced himself to me. He was drunk, of course. And his wife, Jesus Christ, she's a fucking alcoholic/drug addict/lunatic. She's on medication because she had a nervous breakdown and tried to kill herself, but her preferred method of medicating herself is a bottle of pineapple wine, which she tried her damnedest to get me to try ("It's good, it tastes like Kool-Aid!") and I politely refused. Not to mention that I was just trying to watch the football game, and they were all spouting racist bullshit and ignorant nonsense nonstop. Next time, when they invite me for Thanksgiving dinner, I think I'll be sick.

As far as gaming goes, it's been a nonstop binge of Rock Band and Assassin's Creed. Two-player is great, and I can't wait for Sunday night when we'll get the crew together and do some three-player. We actually got a four piece band together for one song today (me on bass, Justin on drums, and a singer and guitarist somewhere on the intertubes) and it was extremely cool. The online play lets you pick guitar or bass, even if you've just got the one guitar, so that's pretty cool. There's something about drumming that is base, and primal, and fucking rad. At this point, I'm perfectly willing to pay someone somewhere 60 bucks for a second guitar, but they're simply not available.

Finally, I watched Kung Fu Hustle tonight. The trailers were terrible, but after numerous recommendations I gave in. It's...hard to describe. It's a little bit of the old school kung fu flicks, a little bit of the new school wire fu flicks, a little bit of Road Runner cartoon, and a whole lot of WTF. All I can say is that if you have any interest in that at all, give it a rent.

Harmonix's Response

This is why I wasn't cautiously optimistic.

"If a third party game controller is based on open standards, then it should work with Rock Band as well. If certain controllers do not work with Rock Band, questions about those controllers should be directed to the peripheral manufacturer."

Uh huh. While you're passing the buck, all us PS3 owners are stuck with a three piece band until at least February 08, when your sorry asses decide to start selling individual guitars, probably for 70 bucks apiece.

Besides, I call bullshit on that "open standards" line. In fact, look at this quote: "Guitar controllers are like any other standard game controllers--the controller sends a signal back to the game depending on the buttons you push." Your words, Harmonix, not mine.

You know what the GH3 Les Paul does when I'm in Rock Band and I connect it? Rock Band recognizes it as a standard game controller, but not a guitar. You know what that means, Harmonix? That means your game is not based on open standards. If it were, you could play it with any controller, included a standard game controller. Thanks for telling us you're all a bunch of liars and mother fuckers. Now I know why you inked a deal with EA, because that's their modus operandi: sell us a broken/incomplete game and when we complain, point the finger elsewhere. Fuck that, and fuck you.

Rock Band In The House

There are a lot of things I could say about Rock Band right now, but I only want to focus on one. The game is available either as a standalone disc for 60 bucks, or bundled with a guitar, drum kit, and mic for $170. Since the primary focus of Rock Band is to have an entire band, that means you need a second guitar for the bassist. The only way to get said guitar would be to either buy another $170 bundle (which is ridiculous), or use one of the guitars from GH3, assuming it's compatible.

Here's an excerpt from a Q&A session with a Rock Band PR rep a little more than a month ago.

Q: What about the bass? Do we need to buy it separately?
A: The Fender Stratocaster Rock Band guitar will function as both the lead guitar as well as bass. In terms of getting another guitar to play either guitar or bass, consumers can either use another Rock Band guitar or use another guitar controller as Harmonix has an open platform philosophy and their games will be compatible with third-party controllers that conform to the various platform controller standards.

As clarification, here's another one.

Q: For the Ps3 version, the guitar from Guitar Hero III won't be compatible with Rock Band. True?
A: Harmonix has an open platform philosophy and their games will be compatible with third-party controllers that conform to the various platform controller standards.

According to the interwebs, the 360 GH3 guitar and Rock Band work together just fine, no problems. I tried to get my PS3 GH3 controller to play with Rock Band, and guess what happened?

If you said, "It didn't fucking work," you'd be absolutely right.

I'd really like to play the part of the cautiously optimistic person and say that Harmonix is hard at work on a patch right now that will allow the PS3 GH3 controller to be used with Rock Band, but I don't think that's the case. Why should Harmonix bother to make a competitor's product work with theirs? Because that's what they said? Fuck, people say a lot of things. Because that's the only way to play with a full band until at least February of 2008? Fuck, go buy another bundle, it's only 170 bucks. Because a consumer can't return a game once it's been opened? Fuck, quit whining, that helps protect you from the effects of piracy.

I propose they retitle the game: Rock Band*

The asterisk says: "Except for the bassist. Who needs a bassist anyway? They're just guys who aren't good enough to play lead guitar."

Rock Band Band Names

As we all know (or anyone who reads this blog does, anyway), Rock Band hits the streets tomorrow. I still haven't settled on a band name, but these are my top 5, in no particular order.

Defenestration Nation - Defenestration is, by far, my favorite word in the English language. It literally means to throw someone or something through a window.

Gaseous Assassination - Or, in more simple terms, an SBD.

The Freudian Slits - You see what this one does? That's why I like it.

Injured Reserve - A sports term, which I enjoy. This blog's called Unnecessary Roughness, after all.

Broken Lawn Chair - If you've seen Dr. Tran, you know where this one comes from. I thought about Hickory Smoked Horse Buttholes, but that's a bit too in-jokey.

I could always use one of the names from the GH games (Breaking the Girl and Abominable Mailman are definitely two very good names and I like them a lot), but I don't want to repeat myself if I can help it.

Assassin's Creed (PS3) Impressions

No, I'm not done with SMG. I've got something like 44 stars, so only 16 more until I can "finish" the game, and then I can see if I want to go for getting the other 60. Assassin's Creed is just one of those games that I had to check out.

Turns out, it's fucking amazing. Is there some framerate stutter? Sure, but it's really only noticeable when you're looking for it. Is there some pop-in and texture replacement? Yes, but see above. Is the big spoiler surprise story twist really all that important? I think so, and it's damn interesting, and I'm sure as hell not going to ruin it here (I know the game lets you in on the secret not 5 minutes in, but goddammit, I fucking hate spoilers no matter where they are).

The real question is: is it a good game? My answer: Fuck yeah. Free-running around huge cities, scaling walls like Spider-Man, trampling guards while on horseback, and slitting evil sons of bitches throats is as much fun as it sounds. So far I've assassinated only one high-profile target of 9 in the game, so my opinion could change. As of now it's definitely worth the price I paid to rent it.

Gaming Overload

I put in some more time with Super Mario Galaxy. I've played for around 2 hours now, and the only thing I have to complain about is the camera. It's controllable in some spots, not in others, and has screwed me over on more than one occasion. Games have been in 3D for what, a decade? Get the fucking camera under control. That's inexcusable. The rest of the game is incredibly, amazingly, wet-your-pants fantastic, so it all evens out. SMG is pretty much a must own game for the Wii.

Speaking of must own games, is it the 20th yet? Jesus Christ, the closer it gets the longer it seems to take.

Finally, it seems like I've only scratched the surface of kick-ass games this fall/winter, even though my list of conquests isn't short: Civ 4, GH 80s, Bioshock, Jam Sessions, skate, NWN2, GH3, Ratchet and Clank, and Super Mario Galaxy. That still leaves Stranglehold, Metroid Prime 3, Phoenix Wright 3, Jericho, Phantom Hourglass, The Witcher, Manhunt 2, Crysis, Assassin's Creed, Uncharted, Rock Band, and Haze. I think I should get the rental pass thing from Blockbuster, because it'll end up being much cheaper than buying everything on that list. Goddamn.

Toys R Us R Assholes

Toys R Us is running a promotion this week. If you buy Super Mario Galaxy from their brick and mortar store, you get a $25 gift card. Great deal, right? No one ever thinks of buying games from Toys R Us (or at least, I don't), so that's a great way not only to get people in, but to ensure that they come back at least once. The ad circular stated SMG would be available "In Stores Tuesday by 5 pm" even though every other store in town stated they would have SMG by 2 pm on Tuesday. Whatever, what's 3 hours, right?

Since I had today off, I decided to give them a call right after they opened. They may have gotten it in early, and as such, I could play all day. No such luck, the guy told me it would probably be in early afternoon. No worries.

I called back at 12:30, still no dice. This time, a lady told me they would get it "between 1:30 and 5, but probably closer to 5 because it's being delivered by FedEx." When FedEx delivers to me, it's almost always first thing in the morning. But whatever, she must know what she's talking about.

At 3:30, I try again. Still not there. By this time, I could walk into Circuit City or Best Buy or Wal-Mart or any other fucking store on the planet and pick up SMG no problem, and be playing in 20 minutes. I wouldn't have a $25 gift card, though.

By 4:45, I'm going crazy and call back again. This time, a guy answers the phone, "Thank you for calling Toys R Us, we haven't gotten Super Mario Galaxy in yet, this is Bill, how may I help you?" I decide to go down to Circuit City, since they're running a special on games under 20 bucks and I still need to get something for my niece for Christmas.

After finding a couple of games I think she'd like and eyeing the stack of Super Mario Galaxy boxes in the glass case, I call Toys R Us one last time. It's now 5:30. The operator answers and I ask for video games. He says, "Is this about Super Mario Galaxy?" I respond in the affirmative. He says, "We didn't get it in."

So not only was their ad a blatant lie, but they wasted my whole fucking day off when I could have been playing Super Mario Galaxy. Here's the silver lining, or karma, if you will. While the cashier was ringing up my games, he answered a call. His side of the conversation went like this: "Thanks for calling Circuit City, this is the software department. Yep, we've got plenty of them. It's $50." I don't doubt that he was talking to a disgruntled Toys R Us customer asking about Super Mario Galaxy.

Oh, and first impressions of SMG: Novel. Interesting. Tricky camera. Can't wait to play more.

Something That I Don't Understand

There are a lot of things that I don't understand, but here's the latest one. Why is it that when people are talking about bad movies or movies they didn't like, they'll sometimes say that they "fell asleep"? Did they really fall asleep while watching the film? Was it past their bedtime or something? Maybe they're just not getting enough sleep at night. I can honestly say I've never fallen asleep while watching a movie.

Maybe it's a figure of speech, and what they really mean is that it was boring. If that's the case, then why not just say the movie was boring? Why invent a completely bullshit reason for not liking a movie? I don't think that's it, anyway.

I think there are really people out there who get so little sleep at night that they just fall asleep while watching movies. Let's hope they get someone to drive them home. Or professional help. Maybe both.

30 Days of Night

I saw this flick last night, and I enjoyed it. I had never read the source comics, so I totally didn't see the ending coming. Good stuff. The only thing I could have done without was the lady two rows back going, "Ugh!" every time something even remotely violent happened. Seriously, don't go see a horror film if you can't handle it. Besides, it wasn't even that bad until near the end. Then, maybe, yeah, you might want to look away or something. But vampires feeding? People getting their heads taken off off-camera? Don't be such a fucking pansy.

My recommendation: if you like vampires, horror, snow, and/or Josh Hartnett, go see 30 Days of Night.

Old Games < New Games

I went down to GameCrazy today and traded in 29 of my old games and got $95 in store credit. Put that together with the 55 bucks I got from friends for 6 other games I pawned off on them (because they're awesome, thanks, guys!), and I've almost got Rock Band completely paid for. I still need to find out if GameCrazy will take my Xbox (since I no longer have any games for it, it's completely useless to me), but I'll probably be looking at another 20-40 bucks for that.

The only thing that pisses me off is that they wouldn't put down a reservation for me. "The system's taken the maximum reservations we can put in." Bullshit. They're going to get roughly a fuckton of copies. Alls I can say is that they better not pull some EBGameStopware, Etc. shit and tell me they can't sell me a copy the day it comes out because I don't have a reservation. I'll be wicked pissed if that happens.

Quick Hit: Ratchet and Clank Future - Tools of Destruction (PS3)

I rented this game last week, since all the Ratchet and Clank games have been great. Tools of Destruction is no exception. It looks fantastic, plays exactly like you'd expect it to, and is laugh out loud funny.

The only bad thing I have to say about it is that it's relatively short. If you're one of those people that absolutely have to do and unlock everything, it has replay value, but otherwise one and done is 10-15 hours of gameplay. Because of that, I don't think it's worth $60 of your hard-earned money, but it's definitely worth a rental or two (if you can't finish it off in a week, like I did).

That said, it's definitely the most fun I've had with my PS3 so far.

No, I Don't Want A Strategy Guide

There's a reason I don't patronize EBGameStopware, Etc. anymore. Mostly, it's because of a number of their idiotic corporate polices. When I saw they were running a trade-in special for Rock Band and offering an additional 30% on any trade-in value towards the reservation of the bundle, I knew I had to jump on it.

Oh, how I wish I had never seen that ad.

First off, I recently bought two GH3 bundles (because they aren't selling individual guitars yet, those mother fuckers) for the PS3. This left me with an extra, brand new, never opened copy of GH3. I said to myself, "Hey, I'll just trade this shit in, along with a bunch of my old PS2, Xbox, and Gamecube games I never play anymore or ever will again, get an additional 30% on all of it, and I should be able to get Rock Band on the cheap!" Oh, the naivety boggles.

I call up my local EBGameStopware, Etc. and ask them how much I can get in trade for a copy of GH3 for the PS3. I'm expecting him to say about 30 bucks, because that's reasonable. Hell, they'd turn around and sell it for $55 or so. Since it's still in the wrap, they could technically sell it for $60. Half price is more than reasonable, right? The guy checks in his computer, and responds, "You get $20 for the game." Stunned, I don't even think to ask him about the other games on my list.

About a week passes, and after trying unsuccessfully to offload GH3 on Half.com, I decide to give the store another call. I've got a big list of games, but there's 4 stores in my area, so I figure I'll ask each store about a quarter of the games on the list, since the prices would all be the same.

The first store I call into asks me to hold immediately, and promptly hangs up on me. I figure she's new and doesn't understand how the phone works.

At the next store, I say I'm checking on trade values for some PS2 games. The guy says they're swamped right now, and would rather I come down in person if I've got a bunch of games to check values on. I'm not sure how adding to the overall number of customers in the store would somehow make him less busy, but whatever. I move on to the next store.

I try a different tack. This time, I ask about trade values on Xbox games. The guy responds, "We don't give trade-in prices over the phone." I ask why not. "I've gotta check the condition of the games." Excuse me? How about I worry about the condition of the games, and you just give me the fucking quotes? If, when I come down in person after receiving said quotes and you find the condition of my games unsatisfactory, then you can decide not to take them. Jesus Christ, this is like pulling teeth.

Having little hope, I try the last store. When I ask about trade-in values, he asks about how many games I'm checking on. I tell him 5, even though I have a list of about 30. He says, "I'd have to ask you to hold for a while, we've got a line. You could try us back in a half hour, we should be good then." At least he was nice about it, but I didn't call back. Chances are, someone else would answer and tell me I had to come down in person.

Here's the thing: Let's say I decide to come down in person, with a fucking duffel bag full of 30 games. Then what? You're telling me that one of your monkeys are going to run every one of them through the computer, check the condition of each, and give me a quote? It would be much easier and quicker to do it over the phone, so I can decide ahead of time which games I want to bring down and which aren't worth setting on fire, then you can do all the checking you want and give me my money. That's the logical thing to do, that's what makes sense.

Just for kicks, I tried checking at GameCrazy, which is a chain of used game stores attached to some Hollywood Video stores. They were busy too, and I asked the guy about Xbox trade values. He asked me to hold. I waited about 5 minutes, the guy came back and asked which Xbox games I was checking on. I just said Halo and Halo 2, and he gave me the quotes. Easy peasy, chicken cheesy. I'm thinking of skipping EBGameStopware, Etc. completely and just going to GameCrazy. It seems like they've got their shit together.

New Attorney General

I usually don't talk about politics on this blog because I fucking hate politics and politicians. But I can't let this pass.

Michael Mukasey is the new attorney general of the US. This is the same guy that said he doesn't know enough about waterboarding to determine if it's torture or not. Hey, Mukasey, have you ever heard of the internet? Look it up, asshole.

So the Senate confirmed him by a 53-40 vote. That's a pretty narrow margin. Clearly, there were concerns. They had to "confirm Michael Mukasey as the next attorney general or...leave the Department of Justice without a real leader for the next 14 months." Or at least, that's what Dianne Feinstein of California said. Because it was definitely a black or white decision: confirm this guy or not have any AG! Holy shit! Hey, Dianne, guess who I'm not voting for in the next election? Dumb whores, that's who.

Coming back to the torture discussion, Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania apologized for Mukasey, saying, "He felt that he could not make that pronouncement without placing people at risk to be sued or perhaps even criminally prosecuted." Heaven forbid people be sued or criminally prosecuted for FUCKING TORTURING PEOPLE. Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who gives a shit about what's right and wrong? Torture is torture and if you don't know what is and what isn't torture, you really shouldn't be the goddamn attorney general!

Not only that, but who the hell is this guy? I've never heard of this douchebag. He's a judge, but I've never heard his name mentioned in any high-profile cases. I know! Let's use the internet to look him up!

Ah, there it is. This guy's presided over terrorist trials. That's why he was being considered for the AG job. Because when it comes to terrorism, we have to do what's necessary. Even if that includes torture!

See why I fucking hate politics?

Holy Shit Holy Shit Holy Shit Holy Shit

Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit!

Wait, not done yet. HOLY SHIT!!!

My comments? It's fucking Joss, and fucking Tim, and fucking Duck Shoot. I only wish it wasn't on Fox. But hey, we're done with baseball, right? Bring that shit on!

GH3 Update

I was rolling along on Hard mode (because that's the difficulty I play the main campaign mode on the GH games the first time through), when along comes the 7th set. Until that point, no song had really challenged me (except the boss battles, which can be a righteous pain in the ass, but are satisfying to beat), and all the songs were awesome (with the exception of Kool Thing by Sonic Youth, it's just not a very good rock song). But what awaits me in the 7th set?

Before I Forget by Slipknot
Stricken by Disturbed
3's & 7's by Queens of the Stone Age
Knights of Cydonia by Muse

Wow. What a mountain full of suck that is. A terrible song by a fucking awful band that is literally painful to play, a pretty good song by a pretty good band that's a real challenge, a shitty song by a good band, and a bad prog rock song by a bad prog rock band. Can you say brick wall? Because that's what the 7th set is for me.

The Slipknot song is the same hand-crushing, skull-fucking bullshit over and over again for 4 and a half minutes. The Disturbed song I actually beat with a minimum amount of fuss. The Queens of the Stone Age song, despite being shitty, is also impossible to play. And finally, the Muse song lulls you into a false sense of security with long, lilting notes and chords before hitting you with note ladders and triplets for the last 30% of the song.

I've felt like I couldn't beat songs in GH games before, but I really think I'm serious this time. I honestly have no idea how I could ever beat any of those 3 songs. On fucking Hard, no less. I don't even want to think about them on Expert.

And there's a whole other set! The 8th set has Slayer, and Maiden, and Metallica. Great songs, yes, but I can guarantee they'll be harder than the ones in the 7th set. I just don't get how the first 30 songs can be basically a breeze, and then the next 10 are impossible. Color me confused.

First Impressions: Guitar Hero 3 (PS3)

First off, I don't know why I was worried about GH3. I listened to all the haters for GH80s, and it turned out not to be that bad. Same goes for GH3. Yeah, boss battles aren't that great, but the rest of the game is. Song difficulty seems to be somewhere between GH1 and GH2, and the note charts are still well done. Plus it looks friggin awesome in HD. And the wireless guitar, holy crap. Holy crap, the wireless guitar.

I would like to point out one issue I have, even though this has nothing to do with GH3 as a game in and of itself. While the PS3 will play the PS2 GH games, neither the old guitars or the new wireless guitar are compatible with them. Which means I still have to keep a space in my entertainment center for my PS2, and I still have to keep my PS2 guitars. That makes me very angry.

Back to GH3, I haven't finished the single player career yet, and there's supposedly a co-op career, too. I'll have to wait until I get a second guitar for that. As of now, GH3 gets two goats up. \m/ \m/

On a side note, I thought it would be fun to list my band names (i.e. save game names) I've used for the GH games.

GH1: Breaking the Girl (formerly The G-Men)
GH2: Abominable Mailman
GH80s: Redrum
GH3: Fabricated Cake (because The Cake Is A Lie)

I don't know what my band name for Rock Band will be yet. I've still got 3 weeks to think on it.

Quick Hit: Portal (PC)

Portal is awesome. It's laugh out loud funny, uniquely puzzling, and one of the best games I've played this year (also by far the shortest). It's certainly not worth 50 bucks as part of The Orange Box or 20 by itself, but it's definitely worth the price I paid for it (which is nothing). If you know someone who has The Orange Box or aren't afraid of breaking the law, give Portal a spin. You won't be disappointed.

Heroes

Heroes has solidified its place as my current favorite show. Supernatural or Reaper may have been creeping up, but nope, Heroes now stands alone. Why, you ask? Because Kristen Bell was on it. I really hope it's not one and done, but still, it was awesome. Kevin Smith directs an episode later this year, too.

Joy!

New Car Shopping

My folks were recently in the market for a new car. Their old car died, so they needed a new one. They asked me for advice, so I went online and did some looking around. I was working under some fairly strict requirements: it had to be a 2002 model or newer with under 40k miles on it and with a sticker price of under $14,000. My dad's not a small man, so it also had to have enough room for him, and at least 2 other people in the car. Fuel economy was important, but not a deal breaker, and it had to be reasonably safe.

Mainly, I found things like the Chevy Impala, the Ford Crown Victoria, the Mercury Grand Marquis, and the Pontiac Grand Prix. I even managed to find a Ford Mustang that met the specs (my dad has some irrational fondness for Fords, and Mustangs in particular). I printed out spec sheets and contacts for all the cars so they would have an easier time at the dealerships. Not only that, but I offered to pay for part of the cost of the car, in case they found a Toyota Camry or a Nissan Altima or a Honda Accord that was a few grand out of their price range.

In the meantime, they had rented a Chrysler PT Cruiser to get around. My mom liked it, and my dad was indifferent towards it. They asked me what I thought of it, and I said, "It's a Chrysler." After asking for clarification, I told them that Chrysler's are notoriously unreliable, and the PT Cruiser in particular is so poor, they should be called POS Cruisers.

So they called me up today to let me know they'd looked around at dealerships in town, and had purchased a brand new car. I asked what it was, and my dad responded, "A PT Cruiser." I asked if he was kidding, and he said no.

My question now is why did I bother looking cars up for them if they weren't going to seriously consider them? Why did they ask my advice if they were going to ignore it? I'm sure as hell not going to help them pay for a piece of shit car that I warned them about, and they'll most likely end up being disappointed with. Jesus Christ, what the fuck.

It's Rant-Disneyworld!

I was reading the Sports Gamer blog today (I'm not going to link to it because I only check it about once a week, and after today, I think I'm done), and I ran across this post by one of the contributors, Dan. Before I start, know that Dan is a New England Patriots fan.

Well Dallas did play tough, right up until the Patriots destroyed them. Heh. Glen was remarking to me how classless the last minute touchdown was, but I think that Bill Simmons set it up right when he said that after cheatgate the Patriots are just giving a big middle finger to the rest of the league.

Let me stop you right there, Dan.

First off, yes, the last minute touchdown was classless. When you have the ball with under four minutes left in the game and you're leading 41-27, there is no reason you should be trying to score a TD. There's stepping on your opponent's neck, and then there's pissing in their mouth.

Second, what the fuck is cheatgate? Are you referring to the incident where the Patriots were using on field video cameras to record their opponent's signals? Because that's not cheatgate. Cheatgate isn't a word, Dan. Watergate is a word. You know Watergate. It's the name of a complex that was broken into back in 1972, and is often used to refer to the entire scandal that eventually led to President Nixon's resignation. All this whatever-gate shit? Not words. Stop using them. You're an idiot, Dan.

And finally, the Patriots aren't giving a middle finger to the league. Stop being such a fucking drama queen, Dan. The Patriots have beaten a bunch of thoroughly mediocre teams and one over-achiever. Get back to me after they've played Indianapolis, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, and the NY Giants.

While I certainly see that some people would hate it, I have to say I wanted to see Brady get another passing TD.

A win isn't good enough? To quote Herman Edwards, you play to win the game, Dan.

I want a big middle finger going out to Manning, considering not a Sunday goes by without his 23 commercials.

Right, because Peyton Manning is the root of all evil. Last I checked, all he's done is consistently play well, quietly set records while giving credit to his team, and win a Super Bowl. Success equals endorsements. Simple as that, Dan.

He could be a great guy, but I’m sick of him. He’s right up there with Elway in my book of asshats.

Excuse me? Are we talking about the same John Elway who was drafted by the Baltimore Colts and bitched and whined ("I'd rather play baseball") until he got traded to the Broncos for a song? Are we also talking about the same Peyton Manning who got drafted by the Indianapolis Colts and shut his mouth, put his head down, and has started every game since then in a Colts uniform? We are? Ok, just wanted to make sure, Dan.

Oh, and Dan? Here's a big middle finger from me going out to you. Fuck you, Dan.

One More Post About Orange Box

Last Wednesday I went to Best Buy after work because I wanted to get NWN2: Mask of the Betrayer. I made my way over to the "Strategy/Role Playing" section of the PC games, and looked for MotB. I found the Diamond edition of NWN, as well as NWN2, but not the expansion. Luckily, there were a couple of store employees chatting in the same aisle with a customer about Orange Box.

I asked one of them if they had gotten Mask of the Betrayer in today.

He greeted me with a blank stare.

"It's the expansion to Neverwinter Nights 2," I said.

He responded, "Did you want Orange Box? We've got Orange Box."

"Um, no, I'm looking for NWN2 Mask of the Betrayer. It's supposed to be out today."

"Hmm, let me check my computer."

So I followed him over to the computer terminal. He looked it up, and said, "Looks like we've got 12 of them, but it says the release date is 10/11." (Wednesday was 10/10)

We walked back over to the PC games, and he asked his co-worker. "Hey, do you have an ad? I need to check the shelf date for a new game."

The co-worker said, "Orange Box? Yeah, it's out today."

He eventually found the ad, read where it said by the little picture of MotB, "In Stores Wednesday by 2 pm," and sold me the game.

I'm not sure if those guys were getting paid extra to push Orange Box, but it sure as hell felt like it. I mean, shit, MotB was supposed to be on the shelf by 2 pm, I was there a little before 6, and apparently no one else had asked for it? Or maybe when they did, the guys said, "Oh yeah, we've got Orange Box," and the customer bought Orange Box instead. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

I Don't Understand Religious People

I was chatting with a coworker today about his son. He was explaining how the boy divvied up his allowance. "10% goes in his college fund, 10% goes in the bank, 10% goes to god, and he does whatever he wants with the other 70%."

10% goes to god? How does that work? Does he take some of his money out in the backyard and burn it? Does he turn it into an origami swan and sail it down the river at dusk? Does he put it under his pillow at night and it magically disappears while he's sleeping? I honestly don't understand how 10% goes to god; that's like saying 10% goes to the Easter Bunny.

Bustin' A Cap

Captain America is coming back next year. No, not Steve Rogers, cause he's dead. The new and improved Cap now comes complete with what looks like a .45. If that means Frank Castle is donning the mask and shield, that's pretty damn cool. If it's someone else (like Bucky, for example), that's pretty damn terrible. I'm certainly intrigued, though.

Wherein Everyone Deepthroats Valve

I wonder how much green Valve had to pay out for the top-notch cock sucking The Orange Box has been getting. Here's a game that takes Half-Life 2 (a great game, granted, but it came out almost 3 years ago. We've seen it. We've played it. We don't need to buy it again), Episode 1 (released a year and a half after HL2, lasted 5 hours and cost twenty bucks), Episode 2 (another year and a half later, 5 more hours, and twenty bucks more on its own), Portal (a ninety minute tech demo), and Team Fortress 2 (the sequel to a HL1 mod, which itself was a revisit of a Quake mod). All this for the low, low price of 50 bucks (60 if your sorry ass buys it for the 360).

Any objective observer can see this compilation for what it is: a shameless, blatant money grab. No game in this package is worth more than 10 bucks individually (some of them aren't worth anything), but combined they're somehow worth 50. Not only that, but the reviews are through the roof. 97 over at Metacritic. This is my favorite quote: "Regardless of whether you enjoy first-person shooters or not, The Orange Box is one title that every gamer must experience. If you buy one game this year, make it The Orange Box." That douchebag gave it a perfect score, and he wasn't the only one.

Do these reviewers even play the games they write about? Or do they throw something together in 5 minutes so they can go back to counting their money?

The Escapist

I'm pretty sure I've never pimped The Escapist before, so it's long overdue. If I have, I'm going to pimp it some more, because it's awesome.

The Escapist should be required Tuesday reading, since it's usually filled with insightful, interesting, and relevant gaming articles. I'm not talking about the type of gaming articles usually found in gaming-centered magazines (you won't find any shit like, "Which is better: Halo 2 or Halo 3 lol" or "How does the Wii compare to the PS3 lolzor" in The Escapist). I'm talking about stuff you actually want to read, and don't end up hating yourself for later because you just wasted twenty minutes of your life that you'll never get back.

Over at the website, you'll also find Tom Chick's weekly column called Shoot Club. Every Thursday, Tom writes up an autobiographical account of his Shoot Club, i.e. a group of gamers (who may or may not be somewhat or entirely fictitious) who get together on a regular basis to do what gamers are wont to do: play games.

Finally, a recent addition to the site is Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw's weekly video review column called Zero Punctuation. Definitely not safe for work, but completely hilarious, Zero Punctuation should not be missed every Wednesday. I laughed. I laughed out loud. There may have even been rolling on the floor involved.

Now go, read, watch, and enjoy. My work here is done.

EDIT: I added an audio version of this post, and one for the "Conversations With Myself" post back on 9/25/07. Just screwing around.

Pushing Daisies

Wednesdays, 8:00 pm, ABC - Pushing Daisies is good. It's damn good, actually. It's unlike just about anything else on television right now. Which I why I think its days are numbered. People don't watch what's new and different. They watch what's old and exactly the same. They watch shit that falls into easily definable categories. "Reality Competition." "Police Procedural Drama." "Forensics Drama." "Medical Drama." Pushing Daisies doesn't fit any of those categories, or any category. It's a show about a guy who can bring dead things back to life with one touch, and kill them with another. If he brings them back for more than a minute, someone else dies instead. It's brightly colored, darkly comedic, and has an English narrator. I really like it, but I don't think it's going to last the season. I can only hope I'm wrong.

Debt

For a long time now, I had been figuring I'd be completely out of debt before the end of 2007. I had once estimated it would be as early as the end of August, and at one point as late as the beginning of December.

So today, when I went online to pay some bills, I decided to revisit those calculations using my current debt amounts. Not only will my debt be completely paid off when I cash my second check in November (on 11/23, the day after Thanksgiving and the official release date of Rock Band, woohoo!), but that money will pay for all the Christmas shopping I plan to do (including the aforementioned Rock Band for myself).

Let me say this: I don't think I've been happier about anything before than that fact right there. Getting rid of my debt is going to be a huge weight off my shoulders, and my only regret is that I didn't work harder at getting it paid off sooner.

How Much?

Just tell me where to send the check.

Fall TV Season 2007

Premiere week is officially over, so it's time for my postmortem on the new and returning TV shows I'm watching for Fall 2007.

Monday night:

How I Met Your Mother, 7:00 pm, CBS - Good stuff. One of only a handful (actually, 3) half hour comedies I watch, and the only pure sitcom of the bunch, HIMYM is consistently funny, and shows no signs of slowing down or getting complacent. I assume eventually we'll find out how Ted met his wife, but that's not really the point.

Prison Break, 8:00 pm, FOX - While FOX is traditionally a death sentence for new and interesting television, this is one show that squeaked through and took off. Now in its third year, Prison Break went from being about the breakout, to the manhunt, and now to another breakout of a completely different (and much more dangerous) prison, with an updated cast of characters. I'm interested to see how long this one can go without getting stale. For some odd reason, I don't get FOX in HD, so I'm getting this one off the net and watching the next show on the list instead.

Chuck, 8:00 pm, NBC - One of a glut of new shows from NBC, Chuck is about a computer nerd who gets some government secrets stuck in his head and ends up working for the CIA. Sure, it's a ridiculous premise, but the show is good and fun. Plus, it's got Adam Baldwin as an NSA agent (which pretty much works out to Jayne in a suit) and an extremely hot woman as the CIA agent who tracked Chuck down (Yvonne Strzechowski, who I've never heard of). If the marketing blitz is anything to go by, I'd say Chuck will be sticking around for a while.

Heroes, 9:00 pm, NBC - Since VM and Studio 60 got axed last year, Heroes has been elevated to the best show on TV. Not that that's a bad thing (although I'd give anything to have more VM), since it's a great show. There's going to be new heroes, new stories, Kristen Bell does a guest shot, Kevin Smith will be directing an episode, it's going to be fucking awesome. If you're not watching Heroes, you're dead to me.

Journeyman, 10:00 pm, NBC - Although it's been called a "poor man's Quantum Leap," I can't find anything to dislike about Journeyman. It stars Kevin McKidd (of Rome fame) as a time-traveling newspaper reporter in San Francisco. He's also not alone, as he stumbles on his long-thought-dead former fiancee during one of his trips. I'll try not to get too attached to this show, though, since last season NBC (rather unfairly, I think) cut down not one, but two excellent shows in the Monday night 10:00 pm slot.

Tuesday night:

Bones, 8:00 pm, FOX - This is the only other show I watch at the FOX network, and it started right along with Prison Break two years ago. Despite FOX's best attempts to destroy both of them, they've survived and flourished. It's not as good as Angel was, but that's a tall order to fill.

Reaper, 9:00 pm, CW - Directed by Kevin Smith. That's all I needed to tune in. Once I did, I discovered that Reaper is a quality show. Sam turns 21, and finds out his parents sold his soul to the devil before he was even born. Now it's time to pay up, so Satan has Sam collecting escaped souls and returning them to hell. The ordinary-guy-as-devil's-bounty-hunter angle has been done before (with the good but canceled Brimstone), but never as a comedy. Ray Wise is an absolute genius casting choice as the devil, and Tyler Labine as the goofy best friend is hilarious. Given the success of Supernatural on the same network, I'm cautiously optimistic about Reaper's chances.

Wednesday night:

Pushing Daisies, 8:00 pm, ABC - This one hasn't premiered yet, so I'll make a new post once it does. Supposedly, it's the best new show of the fall season. We'll see.

Bionic Woman, 9:00 pm, NBC - I wasn't even born when the original Bionic Woman aired. It was a seventies show, though, about a woman rebuilt with cybernetic parts, so I expect it had quite a bit of cheese. The new Bionic Woman? Heavy on the cheese and the melodrama. So far, I'm decidedly on the fence about this show. As for its prospects, NBC is marketing the shit out of it (Wednesdays should now be called "Bionic Wednesdays"), so unless it gets no viewers, it will most likely be picked up.

Life, 10:00 pm, NBC - I don't normally go for the cop shows, but this one stars Damian Lewis, who was awesome as Major Winters in Band of Brothers. Detective Charlie Crews was behind bars for a murder he didn't commit. Years later, he's exonerated and released, and as part of his settlement, gets his old job back (and a shitload of dough). The pilot is an interesting mix of police procedural drama, fish out of water comedy (Charlie is amazed by cell phones and IMs), and philosophical musings on the meaning of life. Plus, Charlie's LT is played by Robin Weigert, formerly Deadwood's Calamity Jane. Here's hoping Life doesn't end too soon.

Thursday night:

My Name Is Earl, 8:00 pm, NBC - Jason Lee kicks serious ass. Hell, the whole cast on this show is fantastic, and it's by far the best comedy on TV. What else can you ask for?

Smallville, 8:00 pm, CW - I still find myself questioning why I'm watching this show. It's either because it's like watching a train wreck, or that I somehow would feel ripped off after investing 6 seasons worth of viewing time. Last season showed a little bit of promise, what with the Justice League, a couple of annoying and completely irrelevant characters getting killed off, and Bizarro Supes showing up. The start of this season, however, saw both of those characters brought back to life, the introduction of Supergirl, and a storyline that could have been told in 20 minutes instead of an hour. Smallville is definitely the worst show that I watch. CW is the other network that I don't get in HD, so I get this and Supernatural off the net.

The Office, 9:00 pm, NBC - Hilarious, as usual. Great cast, great stories, hilarious comedy. This and Earl make for a great night of comedy.

Supernatural, 9:00 pm, CW - I think this is the second best show on TV right now. The new season premieres on Thursday. Some have said the second season wasn't as good as good as the first, but I think they've both been excellent. I'm curious to see where they go with season number 3.

Friday night:

Moonlight, 8:00 pm, CBS - A vampire detective operating in L.A. who's involved with a blonde from his past, is tormented by his sire, and strives to do good in a world filled with evil. Sounds quite a bit like Angel, doesn't it? To be fair, Moonlight has only a few things in common with Angel. It's an interesting show, and I hope it gets a fair shot. There hasn't been a decent vampire detective show on the air since Angel, so Moonlight certainly fills that void.

Good Luck Chuck

I went to see Good Luck Chuck last night. Good stuff. Funny. Not quite sure how it only merits a 19 over at Metacritic (that's much lower than the 38 that Balls of Fury got), but like I said before, critics can blow me.

On a related note, a regular price movie ticket is now $9.75. Holy shit. Is it just me, or can anyone else remember when a matinee was like $2.50 and regular price was 5 bucks? It wasn't that long ago.

One Last Thing

Before I go to bed: Dexter is an interesting show. I just watched the pilot, and I'm intrigued. It's darkly (and I do mean darkly) comedic, makes excellent use of voice-over, and has very well developed characters right off the bat. Plus, it's got Julie Benz in it.

Damn. Now there's another show I have to watch.

Hodgity Podgity

A number of things I want to comment on have piled up, so I need to get em out. Rapid quick fire style.

Balls of Fury was hilarious. Totally undeserving of its Metacritic score of like 27. Critics can blow me.

I forgot how incredibly fun multiplayer Smash Bros was. The new Smash Bros game just got elevated to my second most anticipated title of this year (right below Rock Band). What's that? You want to know the rest of my top five anticipated titles? Why, that would be Assassin's Creed, NWN2 Mask of the Betrayer, and GH3.

Not having HD channels when you want to watch them is the worst. I was all set to watch Earl and The Office tonight, but my satellite connection said, "ER-ROR! ER-ROR!" So I called tech support, the dude couldn't fix it over the phone, so the guy's coming out on Saturday to fix my shit. That means I can't check out Moonlight tomorrow night, either. And no, I'm not going to watch it in SD. That defeats the whole purpose of having an HD setup.

So since I couldn't watch TV, I took a little trip down to Best Buy and snagged skate. Awesome sauce! So much fun. The reviews bashed it mainly for being difficult and having a steep learning curve. Right. Isn't that what skating is all about? You gotta bail a whole hell of a lot before you start nailing crazy shit, and even then, you're still gonna eat pavement on a regular basis. Plus, skate's physics system makes every bail look different (and painful), so I don't mind it. Besides, who wouldn't like just screwing around in what's essentially a giant skate park?

Extras is a great show. I finished the first season and immediately put the second season to the top of my queue.

I'm tired of hearing about O.J. Simpson. I was tired of hearing about him 12 fucking years ago.

The same goes for Britney Spears.

He Who Shall Not Be Named is certifiably insane.

That is all.

One More Thing

About Halo 3. Apparently, it causes disc read errors, lockups, and bricked consoles. I have one thing to say to that: Bwahahahahahaha!

Two Things

One, Microsoft is making a big deal about the launch of Halo 3 beating the launches of summer blockbusters like Spider-Man 3. Um, last time I checked, a ticket to Spidey didn't cost 60 bucks. Sorry, MS, you didn't reach more people with Halo 3 than Sony did with Spider-Man 3. You're all idiots.

Two, Valve says they're going to reconsider their episodic content after Half-Life 2 is finished. Hold the phone, Half-Life 2 had episodic content? I'm pretty sure a 3 hour tech demo every 18 months doesn't qualify as "episodic" content.

Conversations with Myself

I said to myself, "Self, tonight we're going to get to bed early. No more of this 1 o'clock shit, nope, no sir."

And myself said, "Like hell we're going to bed early. 1 o'clock it is!"

So I said to myself, "Self, you're an asshole."

Myself responded, "Yes. Yes we are."

I Am Such A Whore

So, after I found out that Nathan Fillion was going to be a recurring cast member, I couldn't help myself. I feel so dirty. I have no willpower.

I watched the recap clip show of Desperate Housewives. As such, I'm now forced to incorporate the show into my regular TV viewing schedule.

Damn you, Cap'n Tightpants! Goddamn you all to hell!

Demo Impressions

Some new demos hit the PSN recently, and I checked them out.

First up, Stuntman Ignition. The first Stuntman game had a great premise, but the execution was terrible. Playing levels over and over again until everything went perfectly is not a recipe for fun. When I heard about the sequel, I was excited because I figured they would fix the problems from the first game. My mistake. It must have taken me a dozen tries to get through the first demo level (the easiest of the three), and my only reward was a poorly cut-together video replay of my run. So not worth it. Stuntman Ignition is in stores now, if you can't help but waste your money.

Next, I played skate. This is EA's answer to the Tony Hawk franchise, which I was more than a little skeptical of. Let's face it, the TH franchise isn't exactly stellar, but EA? EA makes a football game every year that's hopelessly broken. Good thing I don't judge games based on their publisher. Within minutes of starting skate, I was hooked. EA made a very good decision with the Fight Night series by incorporating thumbstick control, and they did something similar with skate. Instead of the TH button mash frenzy, skate uses the thumbsticks and shoulder buttons to pull off all tricks. What's more, is that the crazy shit you can do in skate can be (and probably has been) done by real people in real world settings. skate seems like the perfect game to hop in for 30-45 minutes, screw around, and hop out again. skate hits the streets on 9/25, and I'm positive I'd be more excited about this game than that other notable 9/25 release, even if I had a 360.

Talk Like A Pirate, Be A Pirate

Today was talk like a pirate day, and I didn't even get in a single "Yarrr." Oh well.

Speaking of pirates, here's a suggestion for why piracy exists: because the legal way of doing things is such a huge pain in the ass. Case in point: I decided to redeem a couple of iTunes gift cards tonight. I had one for $15 and one for a "free song."

So I open up iTunes and go to the store. The directions on the back of the card say to:
1: Open iTunes and click Music Store.
2. Click Prepaid Cards.
3. Enter the code shown when requested.
4. Download your songs. Enjoy.

Ok, open iTunes, got it. Click Music Store...um, no Music Store. There's iTunes Store, that's close enough. Prepaid Cards, Prepaid Cards...there is no Prepaid Cards. Ok, I'll just put my music in the cart and go from there.

I've got 16 bucks to spend, so I'll buy a whole album and some singles. The first thing I spot is Black Sabbath - The Dio Years. $11.99 for the album of 17 songs. Sweet action. Then I see The Donnas have a new album out, so I grab the title track Bitchin'. Next up is some classic Foo Fighters, Learn to Fly and My Hero. Finally, I grab the new Nickelback single, Rockstar.

That's my 16 bucks, so I go to my cart to check out. My total is $15.95 plus applicable sales tax. I click "Buy Now" and am presented with a pop-up window that says, "Your credit card will be charged for your purchase." Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do I enter my gift code? What the fuck, man?

I back out, and go back to the home page to look around some more. Aha, there we go. "Redeem." Fantastic. I enter my codes, and I'm good to go. My account now shows I have a "1 Song + $15.00" credit. I hit the Buy Now button again. It says my account will be debited, I click Ok. Then it pops up again, and says "Your available credit is not sufficient to cover the cost of your purchase. You will be charged for the remainder." Uh, what? Where exactly did you take math, iTunes? The back of a Cracker Jack box? Whatever, I click Ok. It starts downloading my songs. My account now shows I have a credit of $0.04. Awesome, I can totally do something with $0.04.

Once my songs are downloaded, I double click on the first one to play it. Instead of playing, it pops up a window. This one says, "This computer is not authorized to play this song. Do you want to authorize it?" No, I don't. I want to sit and stare at it. Of course I want to fucking authorize it, I just fucking paid for it and downloaded it, didn't I? Jesus Christ. I click Ok, and it pops up another window. It wants me to log in to my iTunes account. I do, and it pops up yet another window, and says, "This is authorization number 2. You can authorize up to 5 PCs to play this song."

Wait. Back up. Hold on. What? Authorization number 2? What happened to number 1? And what happens when I have to reformat my hard drive? What happens if my computer crashes? What happens when I get a new computer? I eventually lose the music that I paid for, because of your authorization bullshit? Are you fucking kidding me?

And these assholes wonder why sales are falling. They wonder why piracy is running rampant. They can't figure out why people don't want to pay them their hard earned dollars to be treated like fucking criminals. They can't understand why someone would want to download a song off the internet without all the goddamned copy protection and authorization and unlocking bullshit just to listen to some fucking music.

So here's what I say: In honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day, every day from now on, I declare Be A Pirate Day. Show these RIAA fucks where to stick it.

Just Another Normal Day

Kate Winslet was just talking dirty to Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels.

If you don't get that, don't worry. It's a quote from Extras, which is fucking hilarious. The first two seasons are available on DVD. I urge you to check them out.

In other news, Blockbuster's online rental plan kinda sucks now. Previously, they allowed you to exchange the online rentals at the store for more movies, effectively doubling the amount of DVDs you could rent in any given month for the same low, low price. Now, however, since they were apparently bleeding red ink, they've cut it back to 5 exchanges per month, or unlimited for a shit-ton of money. My guess? They're still going to be bleeding red ink, because upset customers will be switching to Netflix.

Finally, my sister is getting married on Friday in Vegas. Vegas, baby! I thought about going, but Vegas really isn't my style. Besides, the ceremony's going to be webcast, so it'll be just like I was there, but without all the waiting around and the awkward small talk. It also never ceases to amaze me that not only did my sister already have a child when she was my age, but now she's going to be someone's wife. Damn.

Weekend Movie Reviews

Couple of classics to run down this weekend.

12 Angry Men, Not Rated, starring Henry Fonda, Lee J. Cobb, E.G. Marshall, Jack Klugman, and Jack Warden. I actually saw the made-for-TV remake before I saw this version, and now I kind of regret it. The made-for-TV version, while a very good film, is really nothing more than a shot for shot, line by line reenactment of the original. Lee J. Cobb yelled long before George C. Scott did, and while I can't deny Jack Lemmon is a terrific actor, Henry Fonda was Juror #8 first, and he did it better. When the jurors initially file into the deliberation room and start talking amongst themselves is one of the all time great one-shots. This is one of those classics that very truly deserves its status as a classic. It's not a classic just because it's old, it's a classic because it's an excellent film. Which brings me to...

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, rated PG, starring Peter Sellers, George C. Scott, and Slim Pickens. What the hell? This is a classic? This is regarded as one of the best films of all time? By who? Certainly not by me. I don't even know where to begin with what's wrong with this movie. It's overlong even though it's only 90 minutes, Peter Sellers is underused even though he plays 3 roles, and the satire, instead of biting is usually just stupid. Maybe I didn't "get it" or am somehow missing the "brilliance" that is Stanley Kubrick. It's possible, but then again, the only movie of his I've seen that was good from start to finish was The Shining, and that's probably because of Jack Nicholson. My advice: if you're looking for a good movie, pass on Dr. Strangelove.

Jam Sessions Impressions

I was ready to rock out when I opened up the box and popped in the cartridge. How quickly that lofty goal came crashing down. Guitar Hero this ain't.

However steep this game's (hell, this isn't a game, so much as it is a chord-progression simulator) learning curve is, though, the actual guitar's learning curve is a hell of a lot steeper. It took me weeks before I was having the slightest bit of fun playing guitar. Jam Sessions lets you start having fun in about an hour.

And oh, it's fun. A bit tough on the thumb (those diagonal chords are a bitch), but lots of fun. I mean, how can you not like playing guitar? In some ways, Jam Sessions is much better than Guitar Hero. For one, you don't have to buy a guitar controller. Two, you can play songs how you want to (even if that means butchering them beyond recognition) and at your own pace. Three, the song list is virtually unlimited, since any song that is made up mostly or entirely of chords is playable. Four, it has effects. You can have a clean, bright acoustic sound, or chunk it up with distortion. You can add wacky fades and tremolo, mute notes, strum up and down (which creates a different sound, just like on a real guitar), and even pitch notes up or down depending on the type of song you want to play. In short, Jam Sessions does a ton of stuff Guitar Hero doesn't, and probably never will.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to give "Like a Rolling Stone" one more try before I call it a night.

BioShock

I finished BioShock tonight. I've given my early impressions, I've given my thoughts at the mid-game, I've given my thoughts near the end-game, and now I'm here to give a summary of the complete experience. Not surprisingly (or maybe surprisingly, I don't know), they're similar to my early impressions.

BioShock: 2007 Game of the Year.

It's just that good. From beginning to end, this game grabs you and doesn't let go. It forces you to think about things that most games don't, and allows you to think about things no game does. It lets you experiment, it gives you choices that might seem superficial in the context of a game, but not in the context of the experience. It never got dull, never got old, never got to be a chore. I spent somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 hours exploring the City of Rapture, and now that I'm done, I want to jump right back in and do things differently all over again.

As much as I can complain about the bullshit copy protection schemes and all of that (and it's some serious bullshit), no one involved in creating the game had anything to do with that. They made the game, and they made a great one. PC or 360, it doesn't matter, but you owe it to yourself to play BioShock.

Sad, Yet Glad

I'm nearing the end of BioShock, and that makes me a sad panda, since it's so incredibly awesome. I don't ever want it to end.

Yet, finishing off BioShock will free up time to play other games, including Jam Sessions, which hits Wednesday. And that makes me a glad panda. Bitches.

Holy Shit

Holy shit, man, fuck yes. That's the way you do it.

Jesus Christ

Take a look at this trailer. What do you think? Wait, don't tell me. Now check out this press release. Now what do you think? If you're like me, I immediately went to wikipedia and looked up HBCUs, as I had no idea what the hell they were talking about. Now that I do, I think Nerjyzed has just given NCAA 08 some competition.

What do the idiots on the interweb think?

I wondered if there would be additional versions like Hispanic College Football Experience, Aryan College Football Experience, or Jewish College Football Experience. It just seems a little odd in this day and age to focus on one group of college football athletes.

Is this how we will label things in the future? Will Resident Evil 5 now become Black Zombie Experience?

LET'S KEEP TRYING TO SEPARATE EVERYTHING BY RACE! YEAH, THAT'S TOTALLY HELPING. As a "black" male, crap like this makes me sick to my stomach.

Still waiting for the "Latino Football Game Series Presents: Goal Line, The Invasion". The tag will read "They can't tackle us all!"

Now, I'm not racist or anything but when I read this article I couldn't help but laugh my ass off at this joke of a game.

Ef this game. That's all I have to say. They should have a game where you're in control of a slave who's escaping through the underground railroad.

So its just like any other football game then, only you cant be the quarterback?

The idiocy astounds. Those are just a few of the comments that jumped out at me. There's a lot more. Granted, there are also people trying to explain about HBCUs, and pointing out that the game clearly has nothing to with racism or segregation, or any other stupid bullshit. They're just being shouted down by the imbeciles.

This just goes to show that if racial attitudes were truly where we want to think they are, we wouldn't be having this fucking discussion.

Things I've Forgotten To Mention

Until now.

First, I want to pimp Girls Are Pretty. It's a daily humor blog, which there are certainly no shortage of. This one, however, is just so wrong. Completely inappropriate at times, totally random at others, and almost always absolutely hilarious.

Next, Guitar Hero 3 and Rock Band. If you click the links, you'll notice that GH3 comes with the game and a wireless guitar for 100 bucks. Rock Band comes with the game, a wireless guitar, a wireless microphone, and a big ass drum set (which is most likely wired) for 200 bucks. Ignoring the fact that EA has repeatedly stated that the prices aren't set for Rock Band, and that the set will be "affordable," the pricing on both sets takes some figuring.

Let's break it down. The original GH was $70 for game and wired guitar. I figure that works out to $40 for the game and $30 for the guitar (you get a $10 price break on each item for getting the bundle, as the game was $50 separately and the guitar was $40). The GH2 bundle bumped up to $80. So that's $40 each for game and wired guitar. GH2 came with a "special edition" red guitar, which they charged $50 for separately. Serious rip-off, but whatever. The wireless version of the PS2 guitar sells for $60 separately, so let's assume that's the same for the PS3 version. For the GH3 bundle, that works out to $50 for the game and $50 for the guitar. That's still technically a $10 price break on each item, due to the price premium for PS3 and 360 games.

Moving on to Rock Band. We'll use the same $50 price for the guitar and the game. The drums supposedly sell for $80 alone, and the mic is $30. If we assume a $5 price break on each, that puts the whole set at $200. That's for the PS3 version, though. The 360 version's wireless guitar is $80 by itself. Why it costs 20 bucks more than the PS3, I have no idea, but it does. That completely breaks the formula, though, since the 360 bundle is also supposedly $200. Either 360 users are getting larger price breaks in the bundle, or the pricing listed everywhere is wrong.

Finally, Buffy Season 8 has been out for a few months. No, you're not missing anything on TV, it's in comic book form, and it's being written by the man himself. The graphic novel comprising the first story arc will be out next month. Then, in November, the official continuation of Angel begins with After the Fall. I, for one, can't wait.

Gaming Update

I finished GH 80s last week. Now that I've seen all it had to offer, my opinion of it is somewhat downgraded. It was still fun while it lasted, but I just don't see myself going back to it like I did with the first two games. Plus, I didn't think that this was possible, but I think I'm looking forward to GH 3 less now. With 80s, and to some extent, GH 2, it seemed like certain tracks were less about the music and more about the "game." It was like the devs said, "Screw what the actual guitar tab would look like, let's throw all sorts of crazy note progressions and chord changes at them because it's gotta feel like a game." Bullshit, it should feel like music. Once it stops feeling like music and starts feeling like a game, you've lost me as a player. That may sound unusual, but look at it this way: when I fire up GH, I don't want to feel like I'm holding a plastic guitar pushing buttons and jiggling a lever, I want to feel like I'm a fucking rock star wailing away on awesome riffs. I'm really hoping GH 3 doesn't continue that trend, but I have my doubts. Rock Band, on the other hand, seems to be all about the music. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

BioShock just gets better the more I play. Hot damn.

I rented Rainbow Six: Vegas for PS3. The first level was very unimpressive. In fact, if I hadn't heard so much about how great the game was, I might not have given it a chance past the first level. I guess it was necessary in that it taught you how to play the game, and set up the story. But I'll be damned if it didn't look exactly like GRAW. Muddy, boring, and brown. Once I got to Vegas, though, it was on. The first section of the second level was fucking awesome. A bunch of cars, a bunch of terrorists, and a fully automatic weapon in my hands. The lethality in this game is just about right, too. Any shot to the head takes somebody down. 3-6 rounds to the chest, even if they're wearing body armor, and they're going down. The two AI squad-mates are actually useful, too. They've got more kills than I do, if only because when I'm pinned down, I make them run out guns blazing. I blazed through the second level, and now I'm at the start of the third. Not sure how long the game is, but if I can't finish it in the rental time, I think I'm going to buy it. I hear the multiplayer is rad, too, but I don't know anyone who's got a PS3.

Over the weekend, I checked out some other demos. Heavenly Sword is really nice looking, and some of the combos the warrior woman does are insane. It might get old really, really, quickly, though. It seems a lot like Devil May Cry and God of War, actually, and both of those games got old really, really, quickly. Then there's Gran Turismo HD Concept or whatever the hell. What a suckfest. They give you one car, and it's a shitty, old car, to boot. I guess it looks nice, but so what? GT sucks.

Speaking of suckfests, the verdict on Lair is in. "Hey, we've got a great idea. You know how you can control shit with the Wiimote and it's awesome? Let's use the shitty motion control in our controllers and force players to steer their dragon with it in Lair! No, don't give em the option to use the analog stick, that's for fags. Motion control all the way, baby, we'll be millionaires!" Jackasses. Here's my favorite line from one of the reviews: "Running in 1080p you’ll have several situations where the game chugs like no other. Massive amounts of enemies will make the game a slideshow and will ultimately lead to you breaking something."

Warhawk is by all reports, awesome, but it's online only. If the crew had PS3s and we did LAN games, I'd drop the 40 bucks in a heartbeat. But you can't play online only games by yourself. Er, you know what I mean.

Games and Movies

First up, a game that flew completely under my radar comes out on Tuesday. It's called Worms Open Warfare 2, and it's on DS. I think Worms 2 for the PC is one of the best multiplayer games ever made, and it's a shame the Worms franchise pretty much went downhill from there. OW2 looks to turn that trend around, since it's getting excellent reviews, looks pretty much like Worms 2 did, and it boasts full featured online multiplayer to boot (which doesn't work anymore on Worms 2). Now if only someone would get a DS already. *peers at Justin*.

Then, of course, there's Jam Sessions, which I believe is going to rock the house, much more so than any Guitar Hero game. A fucking guitar in your pocket, how cool is that? And you can hook it up to an amp. I am so blasting that bad boy once I get good enough to blast it.

This just in: 300 on BD looks and sounds friggin awesome. Not quite as awesome as TMNT, but still pretty rad.

I really want to see Balls of Fury. It looks hilarious. Here's what I don't get. Balls of Fury and Reno: 911 Miami get bashed, but Superbad is the comedy of the year? Maybe it's just me, but Superbad wasn't that funny. It wasn't well-written, the characters tried to be "real" and weren't, and I couldn't stand the lead actor. Don't quit your day-job, kid. Reno 911, however, is fucking hysterical. It's mostly improvised, and the characters aren't supposed to be real because it doesn't take itself seriously. That's what Balls of Fury looks like, too.

The point is that you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You can't make a raunchy teen comedy and expect it to resonate on some deep, emotional level that sticks with you after the movie's over. Or maybe you can, according to Roger Ebert: "The movie is astonishingly foul-mouthed, but in a fluent, confident way where the point isn't the dirty words, but the flow and rhythm, and the deep, sad yearning they represent." Even if that's possible, Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg didn't deliver. It was sort of funny while it lasted, but ultimately it's so forgettable that I can't tell you a single thing that happened or even what the overall plot was.

So...yeah. I'm not sure how that turned into a rant against Superbad, or if it even made sense. I'm going to go to sleep now.